like fresh cut grass....

I watched 2 movies by myself these last two nights ... this is very rare for me and quite enjoyable. I cried in both movies ( I always cry)  But it must have been months since I've cried without personal feelings attached to the tears.  Crying at the end of TWO GREAT movies... Juno and 16 Blocks ( I know your like what 16 block! but no really good!)  But I'm not writing movie reviews here... 

The point is it felt so "fresh" and "clean" to cry for good things, for moments of joy, for feelings that were light and not mine. Like I said its been months since I've cried like that. It doesn't just happen from watching movies,  it can be a beautiful story someone tells you, a moving story you read or a moment you witness. The moments that are so rare that you cry half from shock and half b/c your grateful those "beautiful/ good things" still happen... 

I felt so "refreshed" after crying for these brief moments after the movies.  It was the same feeling I get when I smell the air after its rained, or after grass is cut, or when an orange is peeled.  

These are the kind of tears that break me from my routine and remind me that there can always be MORE... 

After the tears have dried and all is left is the tight skin from where the tears ran, I feel grateful... that I feel.. that I can expereince others joy and pain and that compassion still exists in my soul... sometimes I feel like I am becoming hard.

Living in Africa as a single white women, has made my heart guarded, and it has robbed me of the trust and friendliness I use to have with strangers when I lived in  CA. 

There are so many good things that I have learned about myself and life living here in Tanzania,  but I feel I am always praying that my heart doesn't become hard.... 

sometimes the more I learn about poverty it only makes my heart harder... just that sentence breaks my heart... I have always desired to serve the poor and love the sick and needy... yet I look around me and instead of reaching out I close my eyes and hold my purse tighter... I HATE IT... this is not who I want to be...  my mom says I need to be smart about things and reality is I can't trust everyone... but I want to.....  I feel my trust has been broken, misused and twisted here that I no longer want to trust...

I don't want to become hard.... I want to serve, love and trust those around me.... 

I want everyday to hold moments that make me feel the same as when I smell fresh cut grass...

Trees

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,         whose confidence is in him.

 ⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water         that sends out its roots by the stream.         It does not fear when heat comes;         its leaves are always green.         It has no worries in a year of drought         and never fails to bear fruit."

I was looking at my Banana trees today ( yes I have mini garden of Eden.. be jealous)  and there always seems to be baby bananas getting ready for harvest... and O they are so good when we harvest them... I enjoy  the fruit but I don't work for it. My gardener Peter works hard to water and keep the trees roots moist and covered with leaves and molech.  I like trees and I like how the bible uses them as parallels for our lives.... they only grow and produce fruit when they have enough water, enough sunlight and the right ecosystem ;o)   But the great thing about Trees is well they would never think for a sec of NOT growing or producing fruit, its what they were created for, they know it, there is not questioning for them....

Yet this is where the parallels fall flat.... b/c we as humans as the choice and most of the time the opportunities to grow our souls and to become those people that God created us to be, the people Jesus calls us to be... yet unlike trees we think twice.. maybe we want to be a bush? or a weed?... a tree? its so much work, can't I just be what is easy.  

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she said something interesting in our conversation... " but its easier, and that's not bad right?" I was taken aback! I was like " NO its horrible! its totally bad!"  " But its comfortable sometimes" she said.... " I know" I replayed, "but that's why its so dangerous"

I wont lie I pray for things to "fall into place" all the time! I WANT it to be easy... I want to be comfortable, I want to come home "after work" and be able to rest and not be constantly thinking..... Yet I know I need to be thinking, praying and digging deeper into who I am and who Christ wants to transform me to be. Sometimes I find myself dreaming of a "life" that is so fun, so easy so carefree, with someone who loves me just right and cares about my heart in just the manner I need...  And then I realize I have that !!! I have a job that allows me to LOVE on teens and share the amazing message of Jesus with them..... but even if this wasn't my job i know I'd be doing it anyways on the side apart from my job, because its how I've learned to LOVE Jesus the best, by loving others and sharing God's amazing truth with them...... and as for that "supportive figure" I see in my day dreams, I don't know what the future holds, but the reality is that any man I marry, will be just that, a man... not the "perfect figure that loves me right and cares for me in the way I need".... Only God can and DOES that for me!  I LOVE that God wants to interact in my life! That he isn't "just sitting on the clouds" watching us down here.  I LOVE that Jesus not only calls us to live in a different way , but that he GIVES us the strength to do it! TO LOVE MORE, to SERVE others and to CARE for others beyond our selves! 

I want to be like a tree, solid firm and confidant of what I was created for...