sex, drugs, porn and Teens! ahhh

Today was one of those days where I am so grateful that I have built deep meaningful relationships with my teens, and in the same moment I am like in my head " PLEASE don't say that! O I didn't want to know... not really".

Ya so today will filled with talk of Sex, anger and TV shows. Yesterday was porn, drugs and university. O and Yes I had an hour convo with one of my 17 year old boys about NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIS 16 year old girlfriend... even though he was the one saying he thought it was a bad idea and that they shouldn't b/c they weren't ready! and while i was proud of his hard decision and wisdom in it... in my head I'm still thinking Am I REALLY HAVING THIS CONVO!???

I get tired of doing parents jobs... which is I guess my there is a need for my job... Lost, selfish, superficial, parents don't know how to teach their children ethics and morals... I had one of my 13 year old girls tell me this week that she got drunk and was partying at a boys house over the weekend and her mom was totally ok with her sleeping there. I was like WHAT!!? and this is what she said and I quote " My mom doesn't care about what I do with my life as long as I get good grades." HEARTBREAK! So I told her " WELL Guess what! I CARE! and I love you and don't want to see you make stupid decisions and get hurt! Please be careful and don't do that again! "

JESUS these kids need you so much! And I feel like I constantly fail in bring them to your feet.... I am loving them as best as can with your love and I pray that it is making a difference... my heart is just so broken for them sometimes that I just don't know what to say...

ahhhh

pointless

I feel pointless right now... 2 months and counting till I leave... ahhh so much to do to say goodbye and get my stuff sold and together... yet i want to do it all this week and get it over with... maybe its b/c i'm sick and not able to do much anyways...? ah so annoyed =P

swirling

I feel like i'm trapped in a bubble with tons of things swirling around me.... so many things I need to do. So many things I want to do, and yet nothing, I'm stuck. I hate being sick. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I just want to be clear headed and productive! Is that so much to ask! really!

My time is getting less and less here, in TZ. And my heart aches knowing I have to leave. I am excited for the adventure of knowledge that lays before me in grad school... but I know it wont be easy and it wont be Africa.

I was in Egypt last week on holiday with my Dad and little bro. I enjoyed the county overall. I hated it last time I visited, so it was good to have a new impression in my head. One day as I was staring out the car window I had this thought that I "fit" in countries like this.... it was a weird thought esp since I don't "fit" in muslim countries. I thought about this moment and maybe its my heart that "fits". The desire God has placed on it to serve and love people and bring healing... thats the part that CAN "fit".

Its strange b/c I don't feel like I do much with my life... except love people. I try really hard to LOVE people well and to show Grace and PEACE in a way that is different the rest of the world. But I suck at it. I try and sometimes I am quite happy with my progress. Yet overall I suck. I've met people who are gentle and sweet and would never think a mean thought in their life. My friend Tiffany from high school was always like that. Those people bug me...(luv them though) b/c I'm not wired like that. Its hard for me to show GRACE, PEACE and to LOVE those around me. Its a daily fight to put my pride on the back burner.

Why do it then? Well I can't not. There is this pull on my heart, this voice that is calling me fwd, to be more, to LOVE radically, to serve in humility and it just wont let me go. I can run away and try to pretend that I don't hear it, but it beckons me, and my heart yearns for it. It knows that where that voice is calling me is PEACE, rest and restoration. Why would I not want to run to it!

I know that I will enjoy living in the States again... but I know my heart wont me happy till it is where it "fits" again.

p.s. i stoled this picture from my friend Becca's blog! =)

alone

I am having on of those weeks when I remember WHY I need people in my life. Its not a bad week, just a lonely one. Schools out and kids are studying or on holiday with their families. I am getting things done, working on stuff at home, playing with my dogs... but ultimatly bored out of my mind. I NEED PEOPLE! I do not do well with too much alone time. I got back from camp and the day after I hung out with girls all day till 6pm.. so Ok ya i needed a break on wed. BUT NOT till Friday!

I just came from a party next door. Where there was a bunch of teachers and kids. It was great and I enjoyed it. But I left at 10pm b/c I was tired ... and it was pouring rain and I got offered a ride... not going to say no to dryness! haha

I like living alone, I like having my space and everything "just where it belongs"... But the truth is I only like it when its my escape from all the people I see all day... When Its just me and me all day long its horrible.

Its moments like this that remind me just another good reason to have a husband... haha except there is not alone time ummm I would just have to make alone time some how.

I am actually really excited about dating when I move back the US. I know that sounds weird. I'm not signing up for anything haha But just the fact that I am open to it makes me feel like "it could happen"... I pray that I'm just not disappointed in thinking b/c I'm open now things will change... and then no body likes me =( haha O dear

I just don't like being alone...