thankful... but stressed

I have been under so much stress this last month... end of school, packing, sorting, selling, moving, transitioning and now my car accident. Really!? Like I needed one more thing!

I have spent the last day and 1/2 trying to "talk it slow", to relax, to just breath.

But even as I do that I can feel all the stress in my body! Its crazy. I feel so tired, so overwhelmed, so drained... I am on the verge of tears ALL the time but nothing is coming out... even when I want them too.

I was doing some praying and stretching this morning and realized that I haven't done that in a long time... I just haven't taken the time I need with Jesus, to really REST in him.

Didn't I JUST write about this? Didn't I go and then sit at the Lords feet ? Yes but then I got busy again... once a week isn't enough for my heart.

In the shower today I had those "chest pains" that I use to have when I was little. It has never crossed my mind before that they were from stress?! But that would make sense since I had so much un-dealt with stress as a child.

I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone hold me and rub my back... boo no one where for that =( I think then I might be able to cry in the way my heart so desperately wants to... but for some reason I just can't...

risk

I'm learning to RISK and to understand its a part of Life and the better things ....

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.”

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

 C.S. Lewis quotes

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.”

 Denis Waitley quotes

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

 Erica Jong

“We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.”

 Mary Manin Morrissey

praying... while my mind is totally somewhere else!

I have been having the most impossible time trying to focus lately. If its not something I need to do, then it's someone that needs me... If it's not packing and trying to sort out my life, then it was graduation and the last week of school .... I have been sleeping in, and staying up late... I feel overwhelmed and just want to stay in bed forever!

The worst part is that this lack of focus is affecting my time before the Lord... last time I opened my heart before the LORD? O crap...

And I can feel it. Its strange but I know the more connect and open I am with the LORD the more fulfilled and self assure I feel. So day when I was annoyed with things and felt like a fat blob... I knew my heart was disattached from what it needed...

So did I stop and sit before the LORD in my self disguest, to receieve his LOVE , JOy and reminder of my worth.... no of course not... that would be too easy.

Now its getting late and all I want to do is curl up in my "Father's" arms and connect to him... but I'll probably fall asleep...

I hate feeling so distracted and so detached ....

Speak to my heart...

Today was the last day at school at ISM for me and for the summer. Yesterday I saw many of my kids for the last time. They cried so much. Today was my last day with many more of them.... many of them also cried. I Love my kids so much... my heart just hurts knowing they are so sad. I shared so much in these last weeks with them. Re-capping about Jesus' great love for them! His GRACE, love and presence. We talked about sex, self worth, and my deep love for them. I haven't cried tons this week but my heart is sad... it misses them already. It wants to hug them and let them know they will always be apart of my heart... My emotions are drained... like a river pouring out into a lake... my heart is sad... but full of Love.