like fresh cut grass....

I watched 2 movies by myself these last two nights ... this is very rare for me and quite enjoyable. I cried in both movies ( I always cry)  But it must have been months since I've cried without personal feelings attached to the tears.  Crying at the end of TWO GREAT movies... Juno and 16 Blocks ( I know your like what 16 block! but no really good!)  But I'm not writing movie reviews here... 

The point is it felt so "fresh" and "clean" to cry for good things, for moments of joy, for feelings that were light and not mine. Like I said its been months since I've cried like that. It doesn't just happen from watching movies,  it can be a beautiful story someone tells you, a moving story you read or a moment you witness. The moments that are so rare that you cry half from shock and half b/c your grateful those "beautiful/ good things" still happen... 

I felt so "refreshed" after crying for these brief moments after the movies.  It was the same feeling I get when I smell the air after its rained, or after grass is cut, or when an orange is peeled.  

These are the kind of tears that break me from my routine and remind me that there can always be MORE... 

After the tears have dried and all is left is the tight skin from where the tears ran, I feel grateful... that I feel.. that I can expereince others joy and pain and that compassion still exists in my soul... sometimes I feel like I am becoming hard.

Living in Africa as a single white women, has made my heart guarded, and it has robbed me of the trust and friendliness I use to have with strangers when I lived in  CA. 

There are so many good things that I have learned about myself and life living here in Tanzania,  but I feel I am always praying that my heart doesn't become hard.... 

sometimes the more I learn about poverty it only makes my heart harder... just that sentence breaks my heart... I have always desired to serve the poor and love the sick and needy... yet I look around me and instead of reaching out I close my eyes and hold my purse tighter... I HATE IT... this is not who I want to be...  my mom says I need to be smart about things and reality is I can't trust everyone... but I want to.....  I feel my trust has been broken, misused and twisted here that I no longer want to trust...

I don't want to become hard.... I want to serve, love and trust those around me.... 

I want everyday to hold moments that make me feel the same as when I smell fresh cut grass...