I don’t attend the Mar’s Hill church, that Rob Bell preaches at. I don’t even listen to it weekly, but when I do I am reminded of the deep Truths that God has written on my heart. I once had someone tell me “ ya know I like Rob Bell, but he’s not Jesus...” Like they felt too many people were considering Rob Bell on the same par as Jesus. I can’t even begin to understand why someone would even think that . Mars Hill’s sermons are full of nothing but humility, truth and history! There is not big lengthy “ideas” that “Rob Bell “ has come up with . Nothing is new, its all just old truth.
I realized years ago in high school that my relationship with Jesus was very different compared to those around me. He affected every fiber in my body/life. Not saying I always chose right, or never did mean or sinful things... but that I was affected and with each thing I did or said there was conviction, there was truth revealed about my heart, there were lessons spoken to my soul.
I have always been horrible at doing daily devotions, I am not good at formal prayers, or in remembering to pray before meals. Yet for some reason my mind is always fixed on Christ. It comes so naturally that I use to have conversations with God where I was afraid I wasn’t “seeking” after him enough b/c I wasn’t “doing” those things “ones suppose to do as a Christian”, yet I was confused b/c I always felt close to God. And I thought “what if I think I’m just close to God but really have fooled myself”; which would always end with God whisper PEACE to my soul.
I use to be very good at being “religious” when I was in jr high. Then as time passed I questioned everything ( I have even been told in recent years that some people were worried about me and thought I was struggling) but as I questioned, I never doubted in God, I KNEW he was there. I had experienced him too many times to doubt that. It was “all that other stuff” that I questioned.
My whole life the presence of the Holy Spirit has surrounded me. I wouldn’t have called it that years ago, I thought everyone felt that PEACE and soft embrace that I did. I remember when I was in 2nd grade and my parents were fighting and I felt the most intense and real hug.... I knew it was an angel. But if I think back before that, I ALWAYS KNEW Jesus loved me. When I was in college, God showed me just how use to his presence I had gotten. He took it away for a week. It was in one of the hardest seasons of my life, and on top of it I had an ancestral demon bothering me. In the midst of it all God took away this warm, soft touch of Peace that I have always known. It was as though God had gone to the bathroom and left me to wait. I prayed so hard, I was so confused, WHY did God pull his presence from me? In that week I heard speakers at the missions conference and I could sense the “heat” coming from them, I wanted so much to have that back in my life! God was teaching me something that I had never had to learn before, that GOD was GOD even if I didn’t “experience” Him, and that He was still in control even if I couldn’t “know” by his presence and comfort. The day after I had an encounter with this “demon” and stood strong in knowing that even thought I couldn’t feel God’s presence that God was still with me and I was still his; then it all came back. I woke the next morning and went to a lecture where the missionary was talking , and I began to “envision” God’s heart for the people/topic, I felt PEACE and a soft “heat” again. I was like ‘ O Thank you Lord, its back!” And I knew in that moment, that the message God had been whisper to my heart since 7th grade, that he “ has made me for a reason” was true.
I don’t think that I am better then other people who experience Jesus in other or different ways. I don’t think I’m more special then someone else who is still lost and confused about God. Instead I feel that God knows my weak and fearful heart and speaks to me as he knows, I need to hear him. My mom says its b/c of how much she prayed over me as a baby, that I have such a blessed relationship with Jesus. I’m not sure the reason, but I know that with this great “gift” he has given me also comes great responsibility. I want to make clear that I think this “gift”, this experience with God is something EVERYONE can have, I’ve just been blessed to have known it from a young age.
Sometimes I think I will never have a “normal” life, and while part of me is ok with that , the World that surrounds me “screams” that it is not ok! That I “deserve” to have it. I get caught up in it sometimes, what it says “is important”, what I “deserve”. I hate it, I feel full of fear then, like I have some how forgotten the unique and beautiful connection I have with God. How I am moved to compassion so easily, how my heart breaks for those I don’t even know, how I am willing to live uncomfortably for the sake of Christ.
I am not a typical Christian. I listen to music that swears, I watch violent movies and ones that have sex in them. I don’t say things “ the right way”, and I don’t always agree with the politics of “American Christianity”. Sometimes I don’t know why I go to church. But Christ so obviously oozes out of my life that I do not “fit” in with the apathetic , “angry at the church” Christians. In fact I see hope in the church, because I see Hope in Christ. I think Christians have a long way to go, and I am no exception. I feel like God has shown me “His heart” for the world and is like “ Ok match it”. I fail miserably with every step, but I know I must try. I’m ok with failing, as long as I’m trying. I believe God’s GRACE is so great that it covers ALL OF my short comings.
I live in place where Christians have many different ideas on what is “right and wrong”. I am not in America where so many “rights and wrongs” are the same. I’ve come to see that some of those “right and wrongs” don’t matter. WEll not so much that they don’t matter, like their OK, but that they are not the BIG picture!
I love Mars Hill Church, b/c I believe they are chasing after the “BIG picture” . That God’s heart is what they too, are seeking after. And that they are ok with questioning, not knowing and falling flat on their faces. I wish more Christians were ok with those things.
I brought up a “sticky” subject in Christianity with a girl the other month and the conversation lead to a point where I was like “how in the world did we get here.” I ended up defending how “ I DO believe Jesus is the one and only way to God and that you must have a relationship with him....” I was defending that I really was a Christian. She looked at me, like she thought I was lost or confused, just because I questioned something.
I believe in the deep seeded Truth from Scripture, that God is GOD, and that we can not really grasp the fullness of what that even means. And becuase of that I have freedom to questions, to not understand, to wonder... becuase not matter what “I “ think, it does NOT change who God IS. As he said to Moses “ I AM who I AM”, no other name needed. Yawaeh
I think Christians fear questions so much, because they are not experiencing God in a way that gives their soul PEACE. Is it because they are not seeking God? Not allowing HIM to be GOD in their lives? Is it because they care more about structure and rules then an intimate relationship with their Savior? Or is it because they don’t really believe that one can have that “till they get to heaven”. I don’t know why this is, but I do believe that EVERYONE can know the intimacy of Christ in their daily lives. I don’t think it will “look or feel” the same for everyone, but I believe it can be known.
When we know Christ in that way, I believe He just begins to ooze out of our lives, not b/c we do our daily devotions , or because we said “long” enough prayers, but because He start to renew our souls, transforms our minds, and gives us eyes and ears that can not HELP but see His heart for the world and hear his whispers.
No comments:
Post a Comment