a moment...

This morning as I was cutting up my quesadilla and looking at my yogi tea, when I had one of those moments when it feels like time has stopped and in front of me are the endless roads of my future laid out before me. It was weird. It left me in a daze and unsure of what I even needed to do today.  I don't know if I've ever had one of those moments before, its unlike just thinking about the future, its like u see the different options and u see ur self in each and what it would be like... I think I'm being influenced by a book series I'm reading. haha  But the reason I decided to share this moment, was what  it made me think about. 

I plan... wow not really a "realization", but what I mean is in each "road" it went as I planned... there was one road that I didn't and it didn't make sense, it wasn't logical and it left my heart vulnerable, it left me in "unstable" places... and I thought to myself  "why would I ever chose that path?"  And just like that it hit me, I don't chose my path... I like to tell myself I do, but really I go where God wants me. Could God want me to go down a path of uncertainty (to me, obviously he knows).  The thought makes me nervous, b/c I think that may be exactly where he is leading me.

Life is uncertain, I know that. BUT IN that I take every pro-caution to protect myself, to have watchful eyes, to be aware....  but to walk down a road that its impossible to do that in, down a road that Jesus is asking me to NOT PROTECT myself, to not be guarded, to be ready for pain and hurt but tremendous growth....  can I do that?  Sure I guess I've done that before but I didn't know, it just kind of happened. But this time, in this mornings "moment", its as though I was being asked which will it be, my way or His....... 

I fear uncertainty.... but I fear even more not being where God wants me to be.... where he wants me IS the best, even if it seems filled with uncertainty, fear and vulnerability to me.