Life, moments, and the fleeting seconds

I have been trying to think about how to say what I'm feeling inside. I have sat down a few times to try and write it out... at first it was just going to be for my private journal, but I figured if I made it public then I'd have to be clearer... and I think thats what I need... clarity .

I'm not confused about any thing, or in a place where decisions need to be made. No all the decisions of "now" have been made. All the confusion as walked away, and been deleted from my Facebook. Yet I am stuck with this feeling... see this is where I get stuck... a flood of emotions and words rush my mind and none of them would make sense to write.

I have tried really hard to be "present" with and where my life is right now. I have wanted to enjoy these moments, see Love in the air, hug truth and hold tightly to the fleeting contentment I have grasped. I enjoy where and when I am so much. I love my life... yet like a darkening cloud the future begins to hover... I have tired to ignore it. To chase after the birds of now and bask in the sun rays of today. But every now and then I look back and up and see the cloud coming, and fear grips my heart. I feel like a school child that is having so much fun playing outside and sees the coming rain and knows they will have to spend the rest of their free time in a classroom... so disappointing.

Whats really strange is that there are moments when I am really excited about my future and what lays in front of me. Lately though that excitement has faded; and its not because I'm not still excited about the "possibilities" of the future that God is guiding me towards. No I can't wait for those "possibilities" actually, I know I am meant for them. Its all the rest. I escape so much by NOT living in the States. I am free from pressures that most Americans don't even realize they are exposed too.

I am going home next week to visit for Christmas and to go to some trainnings. I have been looking forward to it for weeks... I still am. But its like that cloud, is growing darker... soon it will be my present. And then what... well I guess thats where the fear comes in. How will I deal with the new weather? Will I hide in the house or will I grab by gum boots and umbrealla and dance...

When I lived in the States, I never thought about getting married. I had so many fears about men that I ran away constantly. Here in Tanzania God has opened my heart and has cleaned out many of those fears and wounds ... I am a different women then I was when I came here. God has grown me in so many other ways and strengthened my soul in ways I never dreamed. When I move back those "new whole" aspects of my character will be tested, shaken and threatened... I guess this is where the fear is feeding... what will happen? How will I hold up? Will these new attrubutes dissapear... do they only exist b/c of the alternate word I live in? Or are they really apart of who I am now? I hope that they are in me, apart of me, making me more whole then I was before. I feel they are.

The funny thing is that no one might even noticed how I'm changed, how God has grown me... but I can't let that steal away the Truth that I am being transformed... even if it is in little ways and slowly... one step closer to wholeness... one step towards the woman God created me to be...

I want to dance in the rain... who needs an umbrella...