Motherhood

I realized tonight that I am a "mother". I 've had moments before where I felt that deep love and pain over some of my yl girls and thought ' this must be close to what a mother feels like.' I've also had those moments were kids or friends (haha) have said " yes mom"- being bratty b/c I was telling them to be safe or something . And once I was joking around dancing and one of my yl girls in the OC said " You looked like a mom and should never do that again! " HAHA But tonight was the first time I was told by a kid that me being there for them, filled the spot that their parents were missing in.

Tonight was the ISM production of CATS, the musical. The kids are so talented and have worked so hard on this. I knew it was a big deal for them. I invited all the YL leaders to come and it was wonderful b/c they ALL came! Scott brought his Dad, Joy brought her husband , Dusty and Mar came, and Jen sat with me and some girls. (Cat was in the play doing music) The kids were so excited to see all of us. I had brought cookies along, as well, of course! So they were excited about that too! Nancy one of the YL girls I've grown really close to pulled me aside and started telling me that she might cry but didn't want to, but wanted me to know HOW MUCH it meant to her that I was there. Since her mom wouldn't come up for it ( 8 hours away) and Dad didn't really have time. I told her that I was so proud of her and Loved her so much! and that I was really glad that I could be there for her. She cried. I hugged her. We laughed about her intense cat make-up running and then rejoined the rest of the group.

I almost cried when she was talking to me. I love what I do SO much b/c I see the impact it has on kids lives and how it really does make a difference.

Earlier today I was baking with a different YL girl, Aika... why? well b/c she wanted too =) And at the end she was like "Thank you so much! I love you." And gave me a hug that almost broke my ribs.

During the baking I got a text from another girl, Vanessa, and it said this: "Hey thanks for always being there for us and always making us cookies. I really don't get why you do it cause we're such brats. And sorry for not always treating you right. You're great! " I almost cried .

Then the day before last Hannah, one of my WL girls said to me " I know your secret!" and I was like " O really what's that?" (b/c really I couldn't think of anything that I have as a secret! haha) and she was like " Your Jesus!" HAHA I laughed and was like " O I wish." She went on to tell me that shes never met anyone so loving and forgiving in her whole life. And somehow wove in to the convo how her Dad is such an angry person and it must be because he doesn't have a relationship with Jesus, like I do.

THEN one of my other girls is really struggling with anger and not wanting to forgive people, and she keeps asking me for scriptures on forgiveness and love. She says " i know i need more love and forgiveness in my life" And she's buddhist! But today while we were talking about forgiveness she said she has a relationship with Jesus now... I WAS SO EXCITED!

I'm sharing all these things b/c ONE I want to remember what a testament this week has been to my ministry here in Moshi; and 2nd b/c I feel so deeply for these students. I think that a boarding school adds a completely different LEVEL of depth to my relationships with kids, then working with normal high schoolers in CA. I don't mean that I love them differently. I love my Moshi kids JUST as MUCH as I LOVE MY OC and Menlo kids (now adults). But there is a obvious difference of how deeply they love me. My kids here "need" me so much more. There are parental gaps missing in their lives that they are desperate to fill. I am a constant adult in their life that LOVES them, no mater what; and is present, at games, plays and fun school events. I had to tell one of my girls tonite that I wasn't going to be at the basketball game next week b/c I was telling the Christmas Story at a Caroling thing... she was so sad. She was like " so your not going to be at my game! but its my game!?" I felt like a jerky mom, but the truth is I committed already to this other thing when I didn't really know when the basketball game was. I still feel bad though.

I am 27 years old, single , not even close to marriage, never had sex.... and yet I have so many kids. So many little hearts that "need" me, and my heart is maybe what a mothers heart is like, joyful, yet broken with the fact that I can't give them what they really need! It has been an awesome thing to see that as these kids have let me into their hearts they have also let Jesus in. And I know, and hopefully they will too one day, that HE is who they really have "wanted" and "needed" their whole lives. He is the only one that can really give them what they "need".