Its 3 am, my 2nd nite back in Moshi. I went to bed at 930 pm.. but the dogs woke me at 1230 am and I haven’t been able to fall asleep again. I even took another sleeping pill... so far nothing. My mind has been racing with so much, my heart feels on the verge of exploding, my eyes about to flood with tears, my voice ready to sing, my feet ready to move and my hands wanting to serve.
In this last month God has begun to show me just how much he has done in me. I love it and fear it all in the same moment. My heart is so much more vulnerable, and sensitive. It is no longer protected by a steel cage. God is molding it, transforming me. It has been painful, it has been long coming, overall it is BEAUTIFUL.
From a prayer team email I sent out:
“Winter Training for YoungLife has been this past week and 1/2! I have felt so blessed
to be in a organization with people's hearts love the Lord and kids
like I do. In that same thought it was been so heartbreaking to
realize that this is the end , for now... with YL, and I have cried so
much over that again in the last week. But God is good and is always
making more and more excited for the possible future of Art Therapy
that lays before me =)
The Lord has spoken some very clear things to me in the time here and
while always exciting to have clear words from the Lord, some of it is
hard for me, it involves a lot of me facing fears and getting ready
for some hard " rough" times. I am excited b/c i believe the Lord has
prepared my hear in this last year for these up coming months and
years .
The image God has given me is that my life has been like an underwater
stream that moves fast and flows strong but is protected in many ways
and quite. But soon my life is be like a rushing river, stronger fast,
making more an impact but also harder to remain in. the vs he has
given me to go with it makes me smile though and breath... its the
whole chapter Psalms 46
but these 2 vs in it are what make me smile. ( note: he gave me the
image before the vs =)
" There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy
place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not
fall, God will help her at break of day." Ps 46: 4-5”
I have been telling friends and family as the month went on that I’m becoming more and more radical for Jesus, but less religious. Marilyn Davidson gave me an “Amen” to that =) Its really true though. I feel this excitement in the pit of my stomach... it makes me well up with joy and want to run towards Jesus’ open arms.
As I said above I am excited about what Jesus is leading me into, Art Therapy. But I also know that that road is going to be so hard! The fact that I can already see that scares me. It makes me feel as though God as got his “orders” mixed up and that this future was meant for someone else.
I get mad at myself for even being scared. Not because I don’t think Jesus understands my fears, but its that fact that I don’t! Let me state that more clearly. EVERY big decision in my life I have had God pushed me into. Nothing I have every chosen on my own; school, major, study abroad, YL, jobs, moving, fundraising, NorCal, Africa, and now Art Therapy... nothing have I said “ o that sounds cool, I guess I’ll do that”. The Lord knows that FEAR is something in my life that holds me back, that keeps me from truly living in his FREEDOM; and because of that He knows that I will not move till he pushes. Its always gentle and through soft whispers and encouragement, but still always pushing fwd.
EVERYTHING has been worth it, healing, stretching, overwhelming with worth and value. Almost EVERYTHING has been hard, painful, held moments where I was overcome with defeat and feelings of failure. NOTHING that God has ever lead me into has returned void. It has always been a beautiful journey with Him.
So why am I afraid of this new path? Why do I even entertain fear in my mind? YES it will be hard, painful, stretching, overwhelming... Yes yes we know that; but it will also be so worth it! SO beautiful, so powerful, how could I ever say no to it? I can’t and I wont. I am moving forward, no longer being pushed but called fwd. I think this is part of the intense transformation God has done in my life over the last year. Finally having the ability to step out and know that whatever happens, wherever this new path leads that Jesus is close next to me, walking with me, guiding me, holding me, giving me strength and love that is beyond myself.
I long for this “women” God created me to be. I want to be her so bad, I know that God is transforming me daily into her, but I also know that it will be a long journey before I ever become her... I am hopeful in the fact that God is calling the women I am now, to be apart of where He is moving...
“ You are the one that we praise
You are the one that we adore
You give the healing and Grace
That our hearts always hunger for
Oh Our hearts always hunger for.”
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