I feel like i'm trapped in a bubble with tons of things swirling around me.... so many things I need to do. So many things I want to do, and yet nothing, I'm stuck. I hate being sick. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I just want to be clear headed and productive! Is that so much to ask! really!
My time is getting less and less here, in TZ. And my heart aches knowing I have to leave. I am excited for the adventure of knowledge that lays before me in grad school... but I know it wont be easy and it wont be Africa.
I was in Egypt last week on holiday with my Dad and little bro. I enjoyed the county overall. I hated it last time I visited, so it was good to have a new impression in my head. One day as I was staring out the car window I had this thought that I "fit" in countries like this.... it was a weird thought esp since I don't "fit" in muslim countries. I thought about this moment and maybe its my heart that "fits". The desire God has placed on it to serve and love people and bring healing... thats the part that CAN "fit".
Its strange b/c I don't feel like I do much with my life... except love people. I try really hard to LOVE people well and to show Grace and PEACE in a way that is different the rest of the world. But I suck at it. I try and sometimes I am quite happy with my progress. Yet overall I suck. I've met people who are gentle and sweet and would never think a mean thought in their life. My friend Tiffany from high school was always like that. Those people bug me...(luv them though) b/c I'm not wired like that. Its hard for me to show GRACE, PEACE and to LOVE those around me. Its a daily fight to put my pride on the back burner. Why do it then? Well I can't not. There is this pull on my heart, this voice that is calling me fwd, to be more, to LOVE radically, to serve in humility and it just wont let me go. I can run away and try to pretend that I don't hear it, but it beckons me, and my heart yearns for it. It knows that where that voice is calling me is PEACE, rest and restoration. Why would I not want to run to it!
I know that I will enjoy living in the States again... but I know my heart wont me happy till it is where it "fits" again.
p.s. i stoled this picture from my friend Becca's blog! =)
Insights into the heart and mind of a overthinker... whose heart is too emotional for her head to understand sometimes...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
swirling
I feel like i'm trapped in a bubble with tons of things swirling around me.... so many things I need to do. So many things I want to do, and yet nothing, I'm stuck. I hate being sick. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I just want to be clear headed and productive! Is that so much to ask! really!
My time is getting less and less here, in TZ. And my heart aches knowing I have to leave. I am excited for the adventure of knowledge that lays before me in grad school... but I know it wont be easy and it wont be Africa.
I was in Egypt last week on holiday with my Dad and little bro. I enjoyed the county overall. I hated it last time I visited, so it was good to have a new impression in my head. One day as I was staring out the car window I had this thought that I "fit" in countries like this.... it was a weird thought esp since I don't "fit" in muslim countries. I thought about this moment and maybe its my heart that "fits". The desire God has placed on it to serve and love people and bring healing... thats the part that CAN "fit".
Its strange b/c I don't feel like I do much with my life... except love people. I try really hard to LOVE people well and to show Grace and PEACE in a way that is different the rest of the world. But I suck at it. I try and sometimes I am quite happy with my progress. Yet overall I suck. I've met people who are gentle and sweet and would never think a mean thought in their life. My friend Tiffany from high school was always like that. Those people bug me...(luv them though) b/c I'm not wired like that. Its hard for me to show GRACE, PEACE and to LOVE those around me. Its a daily fight to put my pride on the back burner. Why do it then? Well I can't not. There is this pull on my heart, this voice that is calling me fwd, to be more, to LOVE radically, to serve in humility and it just wont let me go. I can run away and try to pretend that I don't hear it, but it beckons me, and my heart yearns for it. It knows that where that voice is calling me is PEACE, rest and restoration. Why would I not want to run to it!
I know that I will enjoy living in the States again... but I know my heart wont me happy till it is where it "fits" again.
p.s. i stoled this picture from my friend Becca's blog! =)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment