Guilt

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to 'really' be an adult. Ya know the "adult" that I believe I should be, strong, generous, patience, never angry and always there with an encouraging word.

Maybe thats not being an "adult" for everyone but it is in my head. Truly I know " few adults" if I was to really put this to the test, but for some reason I feel guilty that I'm not one.... an "adult" that is.

Like somehow I just missed it... I decided to be emotional stunted and refused to grow and become that adult.

Peter Pan syndrome would be a great way to explain it away, but the truth is it has nothing to do with being "childlike".... maybe more "childish".

It may sound silly but I really believe sometimes that I should be "above" the level I am at ... emotionally or intellectually. I'm just sure all my friends know it and think I'm crazy, which is why the humor me and stay my friends.

I found myself crying tonite as my father poured out overwhealming amounts of love and praise. I felt "guilty". He didn't understand why I would feel guilty when I hadn't done anything wrong. I wondered that to. But maybe I feel I am wrong and dont deserve the "blessings" I'm getting.

Maybe I don't, and I should feel bad, b/c I don't deserve them.

Maybe I'm experience reverse culture shock and don't feel "ok" to take SO MUCH, when I know I don't need it... don't deserve it?

I am selfish and while my patcience has grown over the years its still lacking... I feel ungrateful in those moments when I realize I have so much and haven't been aware of it ... or felt entitled to it.

I'd like to think that one day I'll be an "adult". To really deserve that title, to care and grow those around me b/c I know whats good for them.... not just think I do.

Sometimes I pretend to be and "adult" and give lectures and make people feel like they just learned something amazing and new... but its not true I just paraphrased something I already heard, or that someone else lectured me on. And I'm faking it, b/c I'm still not sure how to make all those "adult" things happen in my life.

When will I stop feeling like I'm lacking so much that it makes me feel guilty when people I care for say how much they love me? Its not like I tricked them into loving me, but for some reason I feel I did,

When will I stop being so emotionally sensitive and overthink things to the point that my eye twitches.

When will I understand how to live a balanced life...

One day I would like to be an adult... to not feel guilty for being a "fake" one.