growing up...

Moving home to the States has been a larger transition for me than I had expected. With all the cultural changes, I find myself waking up in a bed and in a home that I've come to only know during the holidays...

some mornings I wake up and actually expect to be in my house in moshi, with my dogs just out in the hallway waiting on me to let them out. Its weird how real it feels like I could just step through the door and there they would be...

the life I have lead for the past 3 years is nothing like what I wake up to now... and I miss it.

I wake up now and find my self running from one thing to the next... unawear of of the life I loved so much... the life I've left behind.

I get excited about my future... about my psych classes. I love being around my family, seeing my brother grow up. I enjoying getting to talk to my boyfriend on the phone instead of over broken skype. My future is exciting, my present is good... but my heart feels disconnected in so many ways. So many new things... so many things that "I"..."me"... never knew or imagined. My future use to be just about me... and it was easy... now it seems to involve so many more people.

I want to be here for Trent as he learns who he is and hopefully more of who he is in Christ. I want to be there for my parents as they are getting older... it breaks my heart to watch as I see them getting tired and weak... I want to be with my boyfriend...

I met someone that worked for YL the other day... I didn't know what to say... I felt like I was on the outside... I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I hate watching things happen in my life and not feeling like I'm really there. I don't know how to really explain it. In my psych class the other day the teacher was talking JUST about this, and how when people move back or move to a country its a form of culture shock. I was relived to hear her say that. I've never heard of this aspect of culture shock... when will it end? When will I know who I am again?

I barely have friends here in this new life... I have a group of 6th grade girls but they don't have time to hangout and I feel myself at arms length with them... and its my arm not theirs... I feel I have said and done things since I've been home that "I" would have never done/said in my other life.

I just want to be me again. I want to know my purpose again... I see it in the distance but what about today!? I guess I feel maybe I have too many purposes today... which is why I feel confused or overwhelmed.

I just want to feel at home again... to feel like myself again... is this just apart of growing up? If it is then growing up sucks.