so inconvenient

Mental break downs are so inconvenient.

They always come at the wrong time.. when theres too much to do, to much to focus on... when one just doesn't have the time to deal with a moment of hysteria.

My eye has been twitching ... not just in one place but in a few different place... all day long... I hate the eye twitch...

I was sitting in a park for a little bit today, and I wanted to stay all day... its like the green and the nature fill me with PEACE... being in nature has always made me feel more at PEACE, closer to my maker... more apart of creation... the way I was meant to be connected to the world.

I feel so needy when I have " breakdowns"... surprise. Yet I dont know what I expect from people... I barely know how to express what and why I'm feeling this way... yet something deep inside me wants someone to understand... to hold me and say it's going to be ok.

Two people told me today, I would be ok, and that they were praying for me... and then they prayed for me. But I didn't feel understood... maybe b/c I still don't understand myself and the many tears that are streaming down my face.

I was listening to a sermon yesterday and it was talking about how Love is the opposite of FEAR. Yet how fear is a thing that we use to protect ourselves at different points in life... but how if we keep the fear and don't "out grow" it when appropriate it becomes damaging and holds us back in life...

I know there is alot of fear in my life, that use to protect me... but that now holds me back... I am trying to let it go... but its hard... sometimes it feels easier to hold on to that fear... b/c I know it... its safe and I know how to live around it. To let it go would mean whole new paths in life that I just don't know if I'm ready for.

I was talking to a married friend today who said " ya know I want to be like the daughters in movies that are 35 and have their lives together, and know who they are... but then I look in the mirror and I think ' I'm too young to be that'....."

Sometimes I feel too young for somethings in my life... and other times I feel too old... and rarely do I feel the appropriate age for anything...