The things I don't understand is us... the HS I got him.. its me, its humans. I find myself in the balancing act trying to decided what I really think. What my theology really consists of, when it comes to SIN and choices and the HS conviction.
I am reading a book right now, that my mom gave me to read. Its a Christian fiction ( not my usual read) and the book centers around a Christian women professor and an affair she had with another christian professor and how her life is falling apart.. o and her lover disappeared in a boat fire- no trace of him and someone got pictures of the affair... ya love fiction... haha Ok but I actually have been having a hard time with this book. With my family history and affairs affecting my life, I am a bit sensitive. YET my real issues is that the women was a CHRISTIAN! I know that sounds judgmental... it is... I can't get over it. I've told myself for years that the reason the things happened in my family was that there was an absent of the HS in those lives convicting them. A friend even told me once , you have fears about marriage BUT you wont marry someone like that. You will marry someone with an active relationship with God, growing and convicting that person.... it will be different.
I was actually starting to believe that, till read this book. I mean I don't trust human nature. I don't really believe in my heart that we will always chose what is right or good EVEN if the HS is involved. And thats my problem. I know myself and I am a very determined person, I have very strong and strict morals, standards that I live by. Not b/c I'm legalist, but b/c I know that those are the "easy" areas to control my "sin" issues, so I might as well control those if I can, b/c there are other areas where I am spinning out of control in my sin.... And so I look in my heart and I KNOW that I would NEVER be able to commit adultery. Not just b/c its "Biblically wrong", but because its so emotional... I'm too aware of my emotions to let those sneak up and out of me. I know that someone might read that and say " you can't say that, you don't know!" I THINK I CAN KNOW! I think there is a great amount of umm ... lack of responsibility for our actions in our culture. I believe that I CAN be responsible for my feelings and actions. That I can choose to NOT go there. I know this of myself.
But in this book, the women had a hard life... blah blah.. ya thats what drove her to it, I get it... but I don't see that as an excuse.
( I know by now some of you are feeling judged or anger by me... sorry. please don't b/c I have yet to finnish. )
Here's the thing. I am so bothered by this book, b/c I know it could be someone's real story. IT does happen... and I'm not mad b/c they are making excuses for her ( well that is frustrating) but my real frustration is WHERE WAS THE HOLY SPIRIT! Where is he when these things happen. I want to believe that if I am seek the Lord with all my heart that he will direct me in the ways to go... that it will be so obvious that my heart would never think to go a different way... I want to believe that we would become overwhelmed with His presence that we can't help but be convicted. I want to believe that while I know following Christ is hard... that the Holy spirit would be easy...
Yet I know its not. I know that there are times in my life that I hear Him clearly and follow confidently. And there are other times when I am crawling, unable to see or hear him and all I can do is cry out for help. I have seen it in friends lives as well, where something happens and all of a sudden they can't remember the sound of the HS voice.... do I judge them for it? NO of corse not.
But this area of affairs.... its so close to home, so apart of the huge fear that has yet to let go of my heart. Even the ever popular "Gray's Autonomy", I was off put by in the first few episodes b/c of all the affairs. I just can't handle it. Our culture has put it as such a normal thing now days.
Since I have lived here in TZ I have known of two missionary men (who I met both) that have had LARGE affairs. Meaning one took off with the women and converted to Islam, left 5 kids and wife. The other had a 3 year affair under his wives nose. ALL the while both these men were preaching the word of God and "serving" in the name of Christ. With each story I found myself depressed for a day, crying. How does this happen!!!! How do we so easily justify things in our lives, that we no longer feel the conviction... how do we just pretend there is nothing wrong.
I hope you know I'm venting my confusion, my wish for a simple answer, that I know does not exist.
I had a pastor once that had an affair, he came fwd after two months, and he was deeply convicted and turned himself in. He apologized in front of the WHOLE church, and made great attempts with his wife and counseling. I was moved by this experience. I saw affairs and conviction in a way I had never seen before. I still respect that pastor to this day. He came back years later and share with the church about how we had been Christ to him and his wife by showing what it MEANT to REDEEM ones lives. He and his wife we're doing great and had an awesome ministry called "rock bottom" - for those that had hit the bottom and have no where to go but up. I think the reason I respected him from the first moment he shared... was well one HE shared. He wasn't caught, he fessed up. The Holy Spirit was still speaking into his life and convicting him. He couldn't life that life that sin was calling him in to. YES he still had an affair. YES he totally messed up and sinned. But the redemptive factor was that he didn't make excuses, he didn't blame his past or his "hard" life, he accept his part, his mistakes and he was ready to accept whatever consequences that came with it.
Maybe if people were more like that with their "sin".... maybe if I was more like that with my sins, then I wouldn't find myself worry about the WHAT IFs.... maybe If I took on the strength that the Holy Spirit gives me and I FACE my sins and humble myself in the midst of God and others.... maybe then I can overcome... maybe WE then can let Christ really redeem us from our broken lives. I pray that it could be true...
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