Lust, Lies and Lack of self control????

I was talking with a friend the other day, WHOM I LOVE, and respect very much. In our conversations however she decided that I lacked all self control and IF I made out with a man that I would end up having sex! I assured her otherwise and stated that I had boundaries and would stop before it EVER got close to that. She doubted it, and said I was burning! haha  I told her YES I want to make out, but not have babies.  She said she'd pray for me. 

I was doing my Beth Moore Bible study the next day and it was about confession. It was a great morning of confession and God showed me some areas in my life where I need DEEP TRUTH to root out the lies I live under. I am not writing this as a "confession", but more as a " REALITY CHECK" to Satan  and to other women. So that they might see  who we really are and what LIE bogs us down. 

First a little background:

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend who I didn't kiss for 6 months!  I didn't want to "go down that lustful road of doom"... (Christian school brainwash) At the same time I had my mom telling me " Making out is fun! Just don't get into 'heavy petting' ".... Ya I had to ask what she meant by that too! you can guess. haha  I ended up making out with my boyfriend alot, and it was fun, but it was also an area where sin took hold of me. NOW let me state for the record I'm very proud of my younger self b/c I never really did much physically! But it was the "seduction" that caught me. I had never been "wanted" before in my life and the "feeling" of it was too great! The power! It was like I was awaken to the insecurity of being rejected and wanted all in the same moment.  

There is something in us as women that wants to be "desired".  Ultimately we want to be "desired" for our hearts and our personalities... but if the physical helps that along we are all for it...  

This "desire" is actually WHY we are the weaker gender I believe. ;) (half kidding)  If you look at a successful single woman in her 30's... what is her biggest hang up? Loneliness.  Yet look at a single man in his 30's and his biggest hang up has to do with job, or money, or man-stuff... not that men aren't lonely but it doesn't seem to "consume" them as it does us women. 

I was in a women's bible study a few years ago, where most of the women in the group were; divorced, single in their 30's  or unhappily married.  I was content in my singleness and was taken aback  by the how much of these women's "happiness" depended on men. ( O by the way I'm making my point now)  I listened to them talk about their unsuccessful searches for Mr. Right, and all the woes about Mr. Wrong... but who liked them so they had a hard time saying Good bye.   In this same study we came to do a lesson on LUST and  women's "fantasy's lives" were brought up.   It was this HUGE deal and it was like " women don't be whores in ur mind!" And that was it. It was like Jesus loves you and be happy with that. End of discussion. 

WELL this is what I want to DISCUSS!  This is where the LIE just gets buried more instead of being replaced with truth.

I don't know if this is true for many cultures besides America, but I assume aspects of it are.  WOMEN when you have lustful thoughts, when you dream about sex.... besides the fact that you have hormones, it has alot to do with HOW MUCH YOU FEEL UR WORTH.

I would say (confession time) that in my "lustful dreams" it is less about, if I ever have sex in the dream and MORE about the seduction and moments that LEAD up to the sex. In fact I think that REARLY do I ever have sex in my dreams ( besides the fact that I've never had sex in real life it probably limits my mind some ! haha )  BUT the dream, the Lust is all about ONE THING, and its not sex...  ITS ABOUT BEING WANTED.  

I was praying about this and realized that I have lustful dreams when I feel the most " unwanted". When I feel lonely, ugly, un-attracted. I don't believe that some man will ever desire after me, that I will ever been wanted... and so I dream that I am... it replaces reality and makes me "desired" for a moment.  POOF! WAKE UP ! right? o ya , you have to wake up and where do I find myself? Feeling unwanted, un-attracted and lonely.  

Now that was the LIE's way it manifests in my and many other women's lives.  BUT the LIE its self is that WE ARE NOT WORTH IT. And the sad truth, is most of us believe it on a certain level. We're not beautiful like the women in the magazines. We are not funny like Tina Fey, or smart enough like  Barbara Boxer??? (maybe) We are not as wonderful or selfless or sexy like Angelina Jolie.   And maybe we're not... Not that ur worthless, but maybe we need to stop comparing ourselves to other women.  

I have heard many women say " women don't dress for men we dress for each other."  That might be true in some forms, but when it comes to "sex appeal", you can bet women are dressing for men. Like I care if some other women's boobs are hanging out! NO thank you! That is a dressing that is meant to "draw, attract" create "desire" in men.

Ok so what's my point ?we all know this to be true... we already know we don't feel worthy sometimes; thanks Sherlock! 

My point isn't revolutionary, its  just true. WHEN you start to feel unworthy, remember that Christ MADE you worthy, so no matter how you feel it doesn't change that YOU ALREADY HAVE GREAT VAULE. That is the truth that we need to place where the LIE has been. I'm not promising you that you will find Mr. Right  or feel great about yourself all the time. But I hope that some of that pain, some of that feeling that you aren't worth much, will begin to disappear. And JUST maybe over time God can heal the wounds we have from ALL the years we have believed that LIE and let it change us and manipulate us and make us feel like IF  a man didn't like us we had less worth. 

I use to hate the fact that there was this "NEED" in me to be wanted. So I lied about the lie, and told myself that I didn't need a man and that men where stupid anyways.  Its not men's fault... its our cultures fault mixed with the Devils doings and a little curse on Eve to always be in want for Adam.. blasted Eve.  And even if I never get married I need to understand that a MAN was never the one that was meant to fulfill that DESIRE in me to be WANTED.  Donald Miller , one of my favorite authors, writes in his book " Searching For God Knows What". About how when the Fall happened in the garden and our relationship with God was broken... THATS WHEN Insecurity took hold in our lives.  The constant LOVE of God that was pouring into Adam and Eve, stopped. Then they had a hole in their heart and the heart said "How do I know my value?"  

In Rob Bell's book "Sex God", Rob talks about how  sex and marriage were created to bring us closer to God, to know his full intent of love for us. A physical experience that could remind us that God created us with love and passion and worth.  BUT the point of it all was to SEE our selves in God's eyes! To understand how much God CARES and LOVES US! 

Instead our culture has perverted SEX and marriage is just a fling in the park. So we find people wandering around feeling worthless and lonely. 

When I realized the other day the LIE, that I had let determine so much of who I was; I cried. I felt stupid,  and worst of all I felt worthless. Thats when Jesus stepped in. He reminded me of just HOW much He LOVED me and how He wanted to use my life, my story to be apart of his LARGER story of Redemption for ALL creation. I cried more and said  "I want to believe you. I can look in the mirror and know I'm pretty, I am see that I have relationships and friendships where I am valued and loved... but the LIE is so deep in me that I CAN'T stop believing it on my own... Please help me Jesus. " And he is, but its a process. It began when I saw the LIE for what it was, a lie, and when I put words to my need for help... It continues as I catch myself in moments and remind myself of TRUTH... but its not my truth, its not the "Christian women's truth"... its Jesus' TRUTH that moves me to say "I do have worth and He wants me, my life, my heart. "

 I pray that this helps someone too know their FULLNESS in Christ and can help them CRUSH the LIE in their life

NOTE: I don't mind confessing these things, b/c I know I am redeemed, and while I struggle, each day Christ makes me NEW, when I get down on my knees and confess my NEED for HIM. I hope that FEAR does not hold you back from looking into your insecurities and seeing the LIE for what it really is.