First Off let me tell you about this book I just finished reading called "the dip". Its a short book with a lot of things in it that make me think. Its not Christian, its not a fiction, its not even a self help book. Its a business book about success. HAHA I know I'm laughing too. What in the world am I reading that! Well my friend Jon Mark MADE me... he said he wouldn't talk to me until I read it. HAHA So I read it. It made me think about a lot of things... none of which has to do with business. Its really about quitting things that aren't leading to our success and pressing through hard things that WILL bring us success if we can just last the hard time.
The interesting thing about this book it defined success as being "the best in the world." Yet it also said that everyone has different ideas of what's "the best in the world".
At first the idea of being the "best in the world" made me frustrated. I don't feel I'm the "best" at anything. Not that I was really bothered by it before. But the book was saying if "ur not the best its not worth continuing". I thought about my job and how I LOVE It, but I'm not the best at it. I don't give the best talks, I don't do the book work or the management stuff the best. I don't even train leaders "the best". I do an awesome job at contact work... but the best?
But then I realized the book talked about how "the best in the world"... has different meanings to different people. I thought about my life. I thought about what am I doing in my life, are there things that hold me back from being the "best"... were their things I needed to "quit" so I could focus on the other....
But as I thought more and more about it I realized that almost everything I am doing, is not only what I want to do, but its where GOD has called me too. So even if I'm not "the best" God can still use it, and WILL. I mean I understand the aim of the book, and its not along these lines at all. But I think that more often then not, God just wants our hearts to be where he wants... and while we might not be "the best"... the place we are IS "the best". So I can run with that.
Even now as my heart is in a place where it is not even close at "being the best", in fact its problem the worst! haha But God is teaching me, and removing so much of the fear in me. Fear that wants me want to run and hide. I have no idea what I'm doing, but God does.
I keep asking God to protect my heart as he leads it down a road of emotion, it has feared for so long. There is nothing I can do to protect it anymore... I don't know how. I only know how to hide my heart. And God has said no to that. I'm still don't believe in happy endings; but I'm starting to see my fear and distrust in LOVE, has to do more with FEARS and LIES that I have believed and pains I have held tight too; rather then LOVE itself.
Each day I step fwd, and some days I step 5 steps back. Yet the person that God is using to teach me so much, keeps saying "come on, I'm still here" , its crazy. If I was that person I would have run away long ago. I know God is using this is my life to teach me heart deep truths... I just keep wondering if /when he will stop using it and when my heart will hurt... it will be more healed and whole then before... but in pain never the less.... see I'm still in fear. Life is so uncertain... the heart is so fickle...
Glen Hansard, from Swell Season, on their new album, "Strict Joy", talks about how the heart muscle and the head never talk, that they can't communicate. So even if your head can be logical and say "things are good. just breath" That the heart is like an out of control train, ON ICE, being driving by a lion.... haha. I laugh, but its exactly how I feel more then often. So I can do nothing but Pray and ask God to protect me from my heart, to protect others and to protect my heart itself.... O dear.... I still secretly hope God will call me to be a Nun in a convent where we take care of orphanages, make fair trade chocolate and sing (like in the sound of music).... haha then I will be really safe.... but I DOUBT I'd be "the best" nun...
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