Stepping over the bodies...

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies "The Painted Veil". My mom, got me the movie and the book for Christmas. I have yet to read the book, and to be quite honest I have only seen the movie once before when it was in theater. But the movie so impacted my view of Love and human conscience, that I have never been able to forget it.

To be frank the movie changed me, gave me hope and allowed me a glimpse into a piece of understanding of Love like nothing else has ever done. Its hard for me to explain WHY, without taking 45 pages to write it all out. So I wont. I'll make my statements a bit elusive, and you will just have to be satisfied with them. I also wont tell u all about the movie, you must rent it. Besides it caring a valuable lesson, it is also a beautiful movie with wonderful acting!

As I watched the movie I found myself crying and with the deepest part of my heart hoping... I've always been cynical about LOVE, and relationships. It doesn't help to have all those crappy "chick flicks" running around screaming " there are princes on white horses…" Or something along those lines. Which is maybe why this movie is so refreshing for me.

Love for the couple in the movie is hard, it struggles, it fights, it longs to be known and feel needed. In the end it finds that loving someone for WHO they are instead of WHO you want them to be, frees LOVE up to be overwhelming. This has been the truth I walked away with years ago when the movie came out. It was like a breath of fresh air. I wont lie, I cry in those "romantic comedies"... but I cry in everything! And at the end of those " romantic comedies", I just feel worthless, hopeless, rejected by the "princes" of the world.

Love is so fickle in our world. It is so selfish. So unsure. I am finding the more I age, the more I desire to know real Love, to believe its real. To find someone just as messed up as me, and just as aware of it. To struggle through the misunderstandings, and slefishness. To be honest, to be humble, and to come out stronger for trusting someone else with my heart.

Now don't be so quick to count me desperate. I am still FAR from that. What I'm talking about is something "real" that I want. Not some romance with flowers and sweet words that fall flat by day break.

Today at school I was talking with a mom, and she randomly in the middle of our conversation decided she wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. To which I replied "No, long distance is too hard". She went on to tell me how cute I was and how I must have boys falling over me all the time at home... I laughed and said "No far from it"... the topic changed and that was it. But I was left thinking about it, even as she began a new topic. I have been guarded for so long. Only since Dec 2008 have I let Jesus have this space in my heart. The one with wounds and cobwebs. Yet here I am 28 years old. I have lived in fear of love for so long that it left an ora around me that say " not interested, please move on". Boys falling over me? HA maybe in the future ... maybe once I've gotten rid of all that fear... maybe then the ora with go with it. And maybe then I'll have to be stepping over the bodies...