Community

This week really has been a crazy mess of thoughts and emotions for me... not in a bad way but in a reveling way. I feel like I was blind before and now I'm beginning to see things more clearly.  My friend Jon Mark has been telling me for months that I've been "running" at an unhealthy pace. I argued with him, I felt he was wrong, I was just committed, I was "called"...

A few months ago Cindy sent me this article on "running too fast and burning out". I argued that most people don't understand the sacrifice we are called to as Christians... the uncomfortably that is normal and that should be embraced. 

I decided this week that FORSURE God was calling me on to different things in Life, to a different form of ministry. I have been crushed for months, I have wanted to be on YL staff for LIFE... But I finally gave into God's still small voice telling me he has a different path for me. It was hard.... So its been a process of acceptance.

As this week rolls on I am beginning to see more and more reasons why some of my friends have thought my "life" a bit unhealthy.  Jon Mark would always bring up the " Martha vs. Mary" identity thing...  I was at a friends house tonite and we were talking about a bible study I'm doing and she was like " O how weird we are doing that SAME bible study in our women's group....."  Now let me take a sec to say that I know ALL the women in this women's group, yet NEVER knew about this bible study or was invited.... I can't say I'm "hurt", I'm not much for women's bible studies... but what I realized was that I wasn't even considered b/c  I don't really "LIVE" here.  I "live" at the school. I don't go out to coffee with the women in the community unless its to talk about YL... or their children. I don't have any friends (besides D&M - my fav married couple - they are like my parents- since they got their baby who I love! they have been busy and I don't get to spend as much time with them as I use to.... its sad).  I looked back at my time here and God has always provided a GREAT friend, through a volunteer, or Medical Student... it was April first, then Claire, Paul,  Susan, and Last Cass.  Lauren who has moved here started to show as that next friend, but her org has her busy and going home for three months in 2 weeks... I really never get to see her , even though I love her! 

Ok but my point is I'm alone. I don't have REAL community here that I feel loves ME, not YL... that cares about how I"M DOING... not just YL. And it's my fault. I AM YOUNGLIFE here.... there is nothing else to me. I feel like I've hit a wall. I feel dazed, confused and a bit sore. I LOVE hanging out with the kids, I am so there! But there is this feeling in my throat like I can't breath. I don't have an escape, I don't have a friend that will listen to my stupid talk....

NOW God has BLESSED me with AMAZING friends that live all over the world ( mostly in the US) and I get so encouraged and LOVED on by those people! I can not even describe how lucky I am. Most people don't even have 3 relationships with people that live around that are in the same quality of depth and richness, that I have in these 14 AWESOME relationships! Its true I just counted! hehe  PLUS I have many other GREAT relationships on top of those, but that people just suck at long distance keep up! haha 

The point is I know I'm blessed. I'm not complaining. The fact is I'm just starting to see how unhealthy my life has become.  

So will I change things? I don't know. 'WHAT" your saying! Well heres the thing, I LOVE my life, I LOVE hanging out with the kids, thats what I feel I was called to do... to be... and Its my last year... so why not. I am YL here, I will just pour all I have into my kids and leaders... O as i type that my back is getting tight and my throat feeling heavy with air.... I know its not good... I'm still processing... I have JUST begun to see... maybe God will help me to learn a balanced life.. what it looks like for me.. how to live it... i hope so... i'm trying... pray for me!