united

I use to never understand WHY someone would want to be married. I looked at it as though it was some ritual that people do to feel like they are making progress in life, or so that they weren't lonely.

I honestly wasn't lying when I would say I had no desire to get married... I just didn't understand it.

But now I do. The problem wasn't that I didn't REALLY know what marriage was about, I couldn't understand it because I was thinking of it in a completely wrong way... now I know marriage is about LOVING someone so much that you want to unite your life with theirs, b/c you couldn't imagine living any other way. Its about CARING about someone so much that you want them so near to you, so you can encourage them when they need you, hug them when their sad and laugh with them when they are being silly. Marriage is about LOVE, and never wanting those moments when you look your love in the eyes and just feel so overwhelmed with joy and warmth... b/c you know they cherish you too.

Grace

My dear friends Hannah and Zac have recently gotten there adoptive daughter Zara Grace West! She is the cutest thing ever. It makes me sad to not be there in TZ with them... they had become such good/close friends over the last 2 years... I love them so much. Its a wonder to get so close to people that you ge to see them grow and change... and they you.

I had a little "adjustment disorder" moment this weekend (thats what its called says my Psych teacher) I'm doing better after alot of ART and some MUCH NEEDED time with Jesus.

But seeing these pictures of my close friends and Zara... makes my heart yearn to be with them...

so inconvenient

Mental break downs are so inconvenient.

They always come at the wrong time.. when theres too much to do, to much to focus on... when one just doesn't have the time to deal with a moment of hysteria.

My eye has been twitching ... not just in one place but in a few different place... all day long... I hate the eye twitch...

I was sitting in a park for a little bit today, and I wanted to stay all day... its like the green and the nature fill me with PEACE... being in nature has always made me feel more at PEACE, closer to my maker... more apart of creation... the way I was meant to be connected to the world.

I feel so needy when I have " breakdowns"... surprise. Yet I dont know what I expect from people... I barely know how to express what and why I'm feeling this way... yet something deep inside me wants someone to understand... to hold me and say it's going to be ok.

Two people told me today, I would be ok, and that they were praying for me... and then they prayed for me. But I didn't feel understood... maybe b/c I still don't understand myself and the many tears that are streaming down my face.

I was listening to a sermon yesterday and it was talking about how Love is the opposite of FEAR. Yet how fear is a thing that we use to protect ourselves at different points in life... but how if we keep the fear and don't "out grow" it when appropriate it becomes damaging and holds us back in life...

I know there is alot of fear in my life, that use to protect me... but that now holds me back... I am trying to let it go... but its hard... sometimes it feels easier to hold on to that fear... b/c I know it... its safe and I know how to live around it. To let it go would mean whole new paths in life that I just don't know if I'm ready for.

I was talking to a married friend today who said " ya know I want to be like the daughters in movies that are 35 and have their lives together, and know who they are... but then I look in the mirror and I think ' I'm too young to be that'....."

Sometimes I feel too young for somethings in my life... and other times I feel too old... and rarely do I feel the appropriate age for anything...

growing up...

Moving home to the States has been a larger transition for me than I had expected. With all the cultural changes, I find myself waking up in a bed and in a home that I've come to only know during the holidays...

some mornings I wake up and actually expect to be in my house in moshi, with my dogs just out in the hallway waiting on me to let them out. Its weird how real it feels like I could just step through the door and there they would be...

the life I have lead for the past 3 years is nothing like what I wake up to now... and I miss it.

I wake up now and find my self running from one thing to the next... unawear of of the life I loved so much... the life I've left behind.

I get excited about my future... about my psych classes. I love being around my family, seeing my brother grow up. I enjoying getting to talk to my boyfriend on the phone instead of over broken skype. My future is exciting, my present is good... but my heart feels disconnected in so many ways. So many new things... so many things that "I"..."me"... never knew or imagined. My future use to be just about me... and it was easy... now it seems to involve so many more people.

I want to be here for Trent as he learns who he is and hopefully more of who he is in Christ. I want to be there for my parents as they are getting older... it breaks my heart to watch as I see them getting tired and weak... I want to be with my boyfriend...

I met someone that worked for YL the other day... I didn't know what to say... I felt like I was on the outside... I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I hate watching things happen in my life and not feeling like I'm really there. I don't know how to really explain it. In my psych class the other day the teacher was talking JUST about this, and how when people move back or move to a country its a form of culture shock. I was relived to hear her say that. I've never heard of this aspect of culture shock... when will it end? When will I know who I am again?

I barely have friends here in this new life... I have a group of 6th grade girls but they don't have time to hangout and I feel myself at arms length with them... and its my arm not theirs... I feel I have said and done things since I've been home that "I" would have never done/said in my other life.

I just want to be me again. I want to know my purpose again... I see it in the distance but what about today!? I guess I feel maybe I have too many purposes today... which is why I feel confused or overwhelmed.

I just want to feel at home again... to feel like myself again... is this just apart of growing up? If it is then growing up sucks.

Guilt

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to 'really' be an adult. Ya know the "adult" that I believe I should be, strong, generous, patience, never angry and always there with an encouraging word.

Maybe thats not being an "adult" for everyone but it is in my head. Truly I know " few adults" if I was to really put this to the test, but for some reason I feel guilty that I'm not one.... an "adult" that is.

Like somehow I just missed it... I decided to be emotional stunted and refused to grow and become that adult.

Peter Pan syndrome would be a great way to explain it away, but the truth is it has nothing to do with being "childlike".... maybe more "childish".

It may sound silly but I really believe sometimes that I should be "above" the level I am at ... emotionally or intellectually. I'm just sure all my friends know it and think I'm crazy, which is why the humor me and stay my friends.

I found myself crying tonite as my father poured out overwhealming amounts of love and praise. I felt "guilty". He didn't understand why I would feel guilty when I hadn't done anything wrong. I wondered that to. But maybe I feel I am wrong and dont deserve the "blessings" I'm getting.

Maybe I don't, and I should feel bad, b/c I don't deserve them.

Maybe I'm experience reverse culture shock and don't feel "ok" to take SO MUCH, when I know I don't need it... don't deserve it?

I am selfish and while my patcience has grown over the years its still lacking... I feel ungrateful in those moments when I realize I have so much and haven't been aware of it ... or felt entitled to it.

I'd like to think that one day I'll be an "adult". To really deserve that title, to care and grow those around me b/c I know whats good for them.... not just think I do.

Sometimes I pretend to be and "adult" and give lectures and make people feel like they just learned something amazing and new... but its not true I just paraphrased something I already heard, or that someone else lectured me on. And I'm faking it, b/c I'm still not sure how to make all those "adult" things happen in my life.

When will I stop feeling like I'm lacking so much that it makes me feel guilty when people I care for say how much they love me? Its not like I tricked them into loving me, but for some reason I feel I did,

When will I stop being so emotionally sensitive and overthink things to the point that my eye twitches.

When will I understand how to live a balanced life...

One day I would like to be an adult... to not feel guilty for being a "fake" one.

Story...

I've been reading Donald Miller's blog for the past year now and I love it so much! I really feel like Don and I are friends... I've even commented on his blog... which is ALMOST like having a conversation with him right? lol

Anyways the reason I really love him, is that he makes me think... makes me reevaluate ... and long for MORE in my life. I love it.

Don has this thing were he talks about life in the means of a "story". I heard him speak years ago about that and I grabbed hold of that concept. I love it. I think the idea that I have a story that can pour into God's larger story... I love that I am moving fwd in my story, progressing... not just aimlessly living.

There is a quote on the my Fb that I stoled from somewhere I can't remember now : " committed to living FULLY rather then settling for mere existence"

I want that quote to resemble my life. I want to live for something more then just the circumstance and emotions in front of me.

I try really hard to live for more... to be more... to see Jesus heart and chase after it.

I was talking to my mom the other day about how much I love Jesus... I know sounds random but I go off on these "soapboxes" sometimes with my family... they are use to it... haha

I was talking about how people always misquote that bible vs that's about how the Lord will give you the "desires of your heart" ... and they make it about "them".. what they "want"... I really believe that vs is talking about WHEN the LORD is the desire of our heart we will have ALL that we NEED in HIM... b/c he will be our desire.

People seem to esp use this one when it comes to " life partners"... "well if you really want a husband the Lord will give it to you..." ahhh That just drives me crazy... so If I REALLY want to lose 20 lbs the Lord will jsut do it? haha sorry I know maybe thats going extreme but thats how I feel about it.

So I was telling my mom how the desire of my heart really is JESUS. And how if I never get married, or never lose 20 lbs ;) that its ok b/c Jesus is what I desire and who I am seeking after and in ALL circumstances HE will meet my NEEDS... I have such PEACE in that... I love it... I feel like I could go through anything and have PEACE b/c he is my desire .

***** someone remind me of this next time i start freaking out about something haha ****

I want to live my life to the FULLEST, to LOVE those around me till I have nothing left, and to rest in the Arms of my creator as he reshapes me more and more to be the women he intended me to be =)

thankful... but stressed

I have been under so much stress this last month... end of school, packing, sorting, selling, moving, transitioning and now my car accident. Really!? Like I needed one more thing!

I have spent the last day and 1/2 trying to "talk it slow", to relax, to just breath.

But even as I do that I can feel all the stress in my body! Its crazy. I feel so tired, so overwhelmed, so drained... I am on the verge of tears ALL the time but nothing is coming out... even when I want them too.

I was doing some praying and stretching this morning and realized that I haven't done that in a long time... I just haven't taken the time I need with Jesus, to really REST in him.

Didn't I JUST write about this? Didn't I go and then sit at the Lords feet ? Yes but then I got busy again... once a week isn't enough for my heart.

In the shower today I had those "chest pains" that I use to have when I was little. It has never crossed my mind before that they were from stress?! But that would make sense since I had so much un-dealt with stress as a child.

I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and have someone hold me and rub my back... boo no one where for that =( I think then I might be able to cry in the way my heart so desperately wants to... but for some reason I just can't...

risk

I'm learning to RISK and to understand its a part of Life and the better things ....

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.”

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

 C.S. Lewis quotes

“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.”

 Denis Waitley quotes

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

 Erica Jong

“We take a risk when we open our hearts because the truth is, if we open our hearts, we will get hurt. You can’t open your heart and not have some hurt because you’re in a human experience. Even if it’s the love of your life and you have many wonderful, deepening, growing, powerful years together, it’s a human experience and that person will pass over. Love takes courage. Be courageous.”

 Mary Manin Morrissey

praying... while my mind is totally somewhere else!

I have been having the most impossible time trying to focus lately. If its not something I need to do, then it's someone that needs me... If it's not packing and trying to sort out my life, then it was graduation and the last week of school .... I have been sleeping in, and staying up late... I feel overwhelmed and just want to stay in bed forever!

The worst part is that this lack of focus is affecting my time before the Lord... last time I opened my heart before the LORD? O crap...

And I can feel it. Its strange but I know the more connect and open I am with the LORD the more fulfilled and self assure I feel. So day when I was annoyed with things and felt like a fat blob... I knew my heart was disattached from what it needed...

So did I stop and sit before the LORD in my self disguest, to receieve his LOVE , JOy and reminder of my worth.... no of course not... that would be too easy.

Now its getting late and all I want to do is curl up in my "Father's" arms and connect to him... but I'll probably fall asleep...

I hate feeling so distracted and so detached ....

Speak to my heart...

Today was the last day at school at ISM for me and for the summer. Yesterday I saw many of my kids for the last time. They cried so much. Today was my last day with many more of them.... many of them also cried. I Love my kids so much... my heart just hurts knowing they are so sad. I shared so much in these last weeks with them. Re-capping about Jesus' great love for them! His GRACE, love and presence. We talked about sex, self worth, and my deep love for them. I haven't cried tons this week but my heart is sad... it misses them already. It wants to hug them and let them know they will always be apart of my heart... My emotions are drained... like a river pouring out into a lake... my heart is sad... but full of Love.

somedays...

Somedays I feel fat... Somedays I feel thin... Somedays I feel like I want to cut my boobs off... Other days I'm glad I'm just the way I am... AHHH I hate being a girl sometimes! HAHA

If I...

If I lost all my material possessions but still have those I loved... would I be grateful?

If I suffered for the sake of my faith, but saw others come to know Jesus' great Love.... would I still complain?

If my heart was broken over and over again, but I knew the Love of Jesus in a way that heals wounds.... Would I become bitter?

If I let fear manipulate my decisions... would I blame God for not giving me strength?

If I came before God with my all and told Him I was willing to do whatever... would I be able to TRUELY follow through?

If I was asked if I could be honest with my God... I would say YES, ALWAYS, and HIS Grace is what makes me "enough"...

beautifully said...

" In the Christian story God descends to reascend. He goes down to come up again & bring the whole ruined world up with Him" - C.S. Lewis

Jesus is not putting into your retirement...

I have been reading a blog that I really respect lately that have been talking a lot about "the church", and how we need to change things and asking good questions on what that means and looks like.

I was reading the comments of the latest blog and found my self getting very frustrated. I have found that over the last 4 years or so I have become "tired" of church.... not the people as believers, but the institution.

If I was to be honest I don't go to church to hear from God i go to make Christian friends. Now there have been two churchs in my life that I have LOVED going to to learn.. Rock Harbor and Rob Bells church Mars Hill which I listen to on podcast. The sad thing is thats all I get from those church... no really community.

Is it possible to find a church that is both? The community and place of spiritual growth.... which were core to the Early Church. ??? I'm sure it is, I'm sure they exist. But that is no longer my real beef with the church. I've learned to get what I can out of the community and the lessons, while also listening to my podcasts =) My real beef now is "other peoples problems with the church" and how they are going about trying to blame it on the pastors, the system, the way that things were/ or could be done... maybe we need more videos, more candles, less speace- more initmate, more space- more room to grow.... They are looking to these things to "enhance" the Church... it makes me so frustrated... why are we so concerned about the "institution" and not as concerned about getting out into the world and loving people right! Pouring our lives out and into others.?

Really I should say I get sad, more then frustrated with the people in the church now days... A life of service, joy, brokenness, sacrifice, it's a life they don't want... or only in small doses when convenient for them.

Its like they beleive if they show up enough to church, and "live right:... which really is just "living as a good person and playing it safe"... that Jesus will pay into their retirement. The more they feel secure about how their future will go...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again= ALL THE DISCIPLES WERE KILLED. Hundreds and thousands of Christians have been killed... and ARE being killed now!

My therory is that American Christians are so concerned about the "end times" ( hit books, movies, bible studies) , b/c they are afraid to lose their "comfortable" lives, and dread the day when the "end times will begin"... Look around the world! People are dying, in extreme proverty, being killed, starving... in desperate need of love and care ... they don't care about the "future rapture", becasue they are concered with today and maybe tomorrow... They NEED JESUS NOW! not in some distant time when he will take them away... They live in a reality that wont let them pretend that Jesus is putting into their retirement... hell they don't even know what that word means..

I'm not saying we are living in the end times or anything like that- what I'm saying is WHO CARES. GOD is God and when he comes he will make all things NEW, heaven and earth! I trust him. I trust he has made me with purpose and IF the end times came in my life that I have a point, a job, and purpose STILL... and it's not to hide somewhere and protect my "retirement." .. Let us live NOW , let us serve now and sacrifice all NOW b/c most of the world is already living in space that is as "dark" as our "American hearts fear the end times"...

my back hurts

I feel overwhelmed... I am so tired. I am sad. I am excited for the future. I am confused. I am angry. I am anxious. I'm full of joy. I want to pack up my whole house today... But I don't want to move... I feel like a mess of emotions and I just want to enjoy the good things that are around me now... I want to scream and fall into a deep sleep afterward...

A love that conquers all...

A LOVE that moves Mts...

A LOVE that bridges great divides...

A LOVE that brings value, hope and joy to ones heart...

I'm finding myself in that place again... that place of deep heart break over the pain and feels of worthlessness of my kids...

NO I'm not a mom... but sometimes I feel like it. Someone once told me that there are "moms" and there are "spiritual moms"...

I might be single. Its true I've never had sex... but truly I tell you I am a mom.

My heart hurts as a mother's heart does when she sees her children aching with rejection, or need. My heart breaks as I watch them search for LOVE and value in things and people that hold only temporary feelings of lust.

I want them to know the LOVE that will change their life forever! That will transform their broken and hurting hearts. A Love that will cover them in PEACE as the winds and waves crash around them.

I almost cried the other day as I sat listening to one of my girls pour out her heart in hopelessness and distress. I want her so much to know the Joy and LOVE of Christ. I told her that. I told her how He changed my life... how He made me new.

I get so frustrated with God when he doesn't "show up" in the ways I would desire for my kids. Why does he sometimes call angels to come! or allow demons to surround? Why does he preform mircials and healings on some? And then leave others just alone in the silence?

I trust God. I think he knows what he's doing. I know his love is the same today, yesterday and forever . And that he passionatly loves my kids ... so when they pray and hear nothing... I trust God is at work in some other way... but it still breaks my heart when they say to me " I asked and nothing... so thats why I don't believe." I know God isn't a geni. I wouldn't want him to be... not really...

Yet I am so broken for these kids, so fallen on my knees that I cry "GOD PLEASE! Show your face to them!"

Sure God wants to use me as his hands and feet... but I can't be His face... and for some of these kids thats what they NEED. The hands and feet are good and provide the Love and care they need... but that LOVE, that undenialable love that conquers all... they need to see His face..

And I limiting God? Am I asking too much? Maybe and yes... I trust him, I just am so broken... I'm sure that only means that he is even more broken for them then I can ever imagine...

sex, drugs, porn and Teens! ahhh

Today was one of those days where I am so grateful that I have built deep meaningful relationships with my teens, and in the same moment I am like in my head " PLEASE don't say that! O I didn't want to know... not really".

Ya so today will filled with talk of Sex, anger and TV shows. Yesterday was porn, drugs and university. O and Yes I had an hour convo with one of my 17 year old boys about NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIS 16 year old girlfriend... even though he was the one saying he thought it was a bad idea and that they shouldn't b/c they weren't ready! and while i was proud of his hard decision and wisdom in it... in my head I'm still thinking Am I REALLY HAVING THIS CONVO!???

I get tired of doing parents jobs... which is I guess my there is a need for my job... Lost, selfish, superficial, parents don't know how to teach their children ethics and morals... I had one of my 13 year old girls tell me this week that she got drunk and was partying at a boys house over the weekend and her mom was totally ok with her sleeping there. I was like WHAT!!? and this is what she said and I quote " My mom doesn't care about what I do with my life as long as I get good grades." HEARTBREAK! So I told her " WELL Guess what! I CARE! and I love you and don't want to see you make stupid decisions and get hurt! Please be careful and don't do that again! "

JESUS these kids need you so much! And I feel like I constantly fail in bring them to your feet.... I am loving them as best as can with your love and I pray that it is making a difference... my heart is just so broken for them sometimes that I just don't know what to say...

ahhhh

pointless

I feel pointless right now... 2 months and counting till I leave... ahhh so much to do to say goodbye and get my stuff sold and together... yet i want to do it all this week and get it over with... maybe its b/c i'm sick and not able to do much anyways...? ah so annoyed =P

swirling

I feel like i'm trapped in a bubble with tons of things swirling around me.... so many things I need to do. So many things I want to do, and yet nothing, I'm stuck. I hate being sick. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I just want to be clear headed and productive! Is that so much to ask! really!

My time is getting less and less here, in TZ. And my heart aches knowing I have to leave. I am excited for the adventure of knowledge that lays before me in grad school... but I know it wont be easy and it wont be Africa.

I was in Egypt last week on holiday with my Dad and little bro. I enjoyed the county overall. I hated it last time I visited, so it was good to have a new impression in my head. One day as I was staring out the car window I had this thought that I "fit" in countries like this.... it was a weird thought esp since I don't "fit" in muslim countries. I thought about this moment and maybe its my heart that "fits". The desire God has placed on it to serve and love people and bring healing... thats the part that CAN "fit".

Its strange b/c I don't feel like I do much with my life... except love people. I try really hard to LOVE people well and to show Grace and PEACE in a way that is different the rest of the world. But I suck at it. I try and sometimes I am quite happy with my progress. Yet overall I suck. I've met people who are gentle and sweet and would never think a mean thought in their life. My friend Tiffany from high school was always like that. Those people bug me...(luv them though) b/c I'm not wired like that. Its hard for me to show GRACE, PEACE and to LOVE those around me. Its a daily fight to put my pride on the back burner.

Why do it then? Well I can't not. There is this pull on my heart, this voice that is calling me fwd, to be more, to LOVE radically, to serve in humility and it just wont let me go. I can run away and try to pretend that I don't hear it, but it beckons me, and my heart yearns for it. It knows that where that voice is calling me is PEACE, rest and restoration. Why would I not want to run to it!

I know that I will enjoy living in the States again... but I know my heart wont me happy till it is where it "fits" again.

p.s. i stoled this picture from my friend Becca's blog! =)

alone

I am having on of those weeks when I remember WHY I need people in my life. Its not a bad week, just a lonely one. Schools out and kids are studying or on holiday with their families. I am getting things done, working on stuff at home, playing with my dogs... but ultimatly bored out of my mind. I NEED PEOPLE! I do not do well with too much alone time. I got back from camp and the day after I hung out with girls all day till 6pm.. so Ok ya i needed a break on wed. BUT NOT till Friday!

I just came from a party next door. Where there was a bunch of teachers and kids. It was great and I enjoyed it. But I left at 10pm b/c I was tired ... and it was pouring rain and I got offered a ride... not going to say no to dryness! haha

I like living alone, I like having my space and everything "just where it belongs"... But the truth is I only like it when its my escape from all the people I see all day... When Its just me and me all day long its horrible.

Its moments like this that remind me just another good reason to have a husband... haha except there is not alone time ummm I would just have to make alone time some how.

I am actually really excited about dating when I move back the US. I know that sounds weird. I'm not signing up for anything haha But just the fact that I am open to it makes me feel like "it could happen"... I pray that I'm just not disappointed in thinking b/c I'm open now things will change... and then no body likes me =( haha O dear

I just don't like being alone...