Stepping over the bodies...

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies "The Painted Veil". My mom, got me the movie and the book for Christmas. I have yet to read the book, and to be quite honest I have only seen the movie once before when it was in theater. But the movie so impacted my view of Love and human conscience, that I have never been able to forget it.

To be frank the movie changed me, gave me hope and allowed me a glimpse into a piece of understanding of Love like nothing else has ever done. Its hard for me to explain WHY, without taking 45 pages to write it all out. So I wont. I'll make my statements a bit elusive, and you will just have to be satisfied with them. I also wont tell u all about the movie, you must rent it. Besides it caring a valuable lesson, it is also a beautiful movie with wonderful acting!

As I watched the movie I found myself crying and with the deepest part of my heart hoping... I've always been cynical about LOVE, and relationships. It doesn't help to have all those crappy "chick flicks" running around screaming " there are princes on white horses…" Or something along those lines. Which is maybe why this movie is so refreshing for me.

Love for the couple in the movie is hard, it struggles, it fights, it longs to be known and feel needed. In the end it finds that loving someone for WHO they are instead of WHO you want them to be, frees LOVE up to be overwhelming. This has been the truth I walked away with years ago when the movie came out. It was like a breath of fresh air. I wont lie, I cry in those "romantic comedies"... but I cry in everything! And at the end of those " romantic comedies", I just feel worthless, hopeless, rejected by the "princes" of the world.

Love is so fickle in our world. It is so selfish. So unsure. I am finding the more I age, the more I desire to know real Love, to believe its real. To find someone just as messed up as me, and just as aware of it. To struggle through the misunderstandings, and slefishness. To be honest, to be humble, and to come out stronger for trusting someone else with my heart.

Now don't be so quick to count me desperate. I am still FAR from that. What I'm talking about is something "real" that I want. Not some romance with flowers and sweet words that fall flat by day break.

Today at school I was talking with a mom, and she randomly in the middle of our conversation decided she wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. To which I replied "No, long distance is too hard". She went on to tell me how cute I was and how I must have boys falling over me all the time at home... I laughed and said "No far from it"... the topic changed and that was it. But I was left thinking about it, even as she began a new topic. I have been guarded for so long. Only since Dec 2008 have I let Jesus have this space in my heart. The one with wounds and cobwebs. Yet here I am 28 years old. I have lived in fear of love for so long that it left an ora around me that say " not interested, please move on". Boys falling over me? HA maybe in the future ... maybe once I've gotten rid of all that fear... maybe then the ora with go with it. And maybe then I'll have to be stepping over the bodies...

Behind my back...

I was heart broken this last week when I uncovered that my night guard had beaten my dogs. Which is why they were acting so weird at nite. Now I know my dogs aren't people, but let me tell you they are so special to me... like "my children". As I uncovered more and had more and more talks I found out that one of my dogs, Stoney had bitten the guard since he beat him and now they hate each other. Stoney hides in the house then he sees Joesph... Joesph is quite afraid as well! Its such a sad and bad situation. (just so you know he is working with my other workers to learn to love the dogs and not be afraid of them... he's been working for me for over a year! and the problem just started since I left for the US at christmas! he knows that if the dogs don't end up liking him that he will lose his job. so he is trying hard.. maybe too hard haha but its good)

I was sitting with my "little boys" the other nite and looking at them thinking to myself " how did I not know!!?" It made me think of how we meet people everyday in our lives that are broken, maybe dealing with addictions, or in abusive situations, or that have been sexually abused... and we don't know. Here at my OWN house, under my nose, brokenness and abuse taking form (well technically I was out of the country when it started ! but STILL 2 months since then when the the dogs were in fear).

We never know what people are going though, or have gone though. We all need the deep healing of Christ to deal with the brokenness and ugliness in the world and in our lives.

Part of me understands that Joesph did what he did out of fear and lack of understanding... but why do people do these horrible things to other people? to children? the need for power? control? fear? lack of self worth? selfishness? I can't even imagine... thought I know it is happening everyday, everywhere in the world... people, children without voices... made to live in fear... broken .... in need of deep healing.

Lord give us hearts that desire to heal your people, hands that hold their little hands, feet that move them from danger, and voices for those without a voice.

I still love my life...

I was talking to a friend the other day, about how much I LOVE YoungLife and how I see such a GREAT NEED for it in the messed up lives of teens. So often my heart is broken over the struggles of my young friends. In the Bible there is this dude named Nehemiah, and there is a chapter where he cries out to God about how broken he is for his people and his country. I did a study on it years ago at a YL training. When we read it, I understood his deep pain, his broken heart; b/c its how I feel for my young friends.

I know that soon I will be leaving YL staff, and heading on to grad school, but I need people to know, to understanding: Its NOT because I think I'm going on to "bigger and better things". Its not b/c I need to "grow up" ( like my last blog was about). And its defiantly not b/c I'm over it, or have out grown it or become burned out. O I wish you could just see the joy that fills me as I talk about my young friends.

What I do, with YL, is one of the most important things in the world! I'm sure of that. Its one of the best jobs ever. Its been my dream job for so long. And I still feel it is. I still believe it is something Jesus has asked me to give my heart to... I'm not just talking about YL, I'm talking about loving, mentoring and walking next to teens as they face the struggles of life.

I felt the need to share this, b/c so often when people "transfer" out of one place/ thing, they feel as though they are moving on to something " bigger and better". As though their current place/job would hold them back from the greater things in life. I don't feel that way. I mean I'm excited for what God is calling me to with Art Therapy. And I know it will be good and where he wants me. But better then what he is using me for now? No I don't think so, different but the same goodness... I just pray that I am open to the JOY that he will bring though new avenues of serving him, and the blessings that will come in different way... I love my life. I love what I do. I am broken hearted for the teens of this world... I want to be wherever Jesus wants me... so I'm "transitioning"... But I Love my life

misquote: it makes all the difference sometimes

In the human, more recent, version of Peter Pan, there is a line at the end where Peter says to Captain hook? Right before he "almost" gets killed, "Death is just the beginning of a Big adventure." (something like that!) But for the last hour or so I have been remember him saying in reference to Wendy "growing up" ( an maybe he did I'm fuzzy at the moment)..... like " Growing up is the beginning of a Big Adventure."

Anyways the point is this "misquote" has been in my head and I feel excited inside. I spent all day with high schoolers and yesterday... and just had so much fun! ( as always) and I came home feeling like " I never want to get old, I want to be Peter Pant"... which is why mind started thinking about the movie which lead to my misquote . But I realized with my "misquote," I am excited about "growing up", that it will be a big adventure and I'm really excited about it!

I know I know I am an adult! " You're 28", the little voice in my head yells- dummy. But I don't feel like I'm an adult, I don't act like an adult most of the time, and regardless of what I tell myself I don't dress like an adult... I don't dress like a high schooler... but a college student is best in comparison. And its not even really about that its my thinking... I don't think about the future the way other 28 year olds do.... Which I'm ok with, but I know it needs to change.

I feel like a kid when I'm in a room of adults. I can hold good conversations and can make a dull uninteresting person have a "delightful" conversation with me ( its a gifts I know!) But threw it all I am DYING to leave, I get so tired of adults, I get bored with them...

I haven't hung out with an adult for like a week b/c I was working on my papers for YL at nite and would be at school during the day hanging out with kids... then tonite I had an adult friend over for dinner. She's 25 and while super fun and awesome, shes still an adult. I felt like I talked her hear off, I felt bad... but at least I cooked! ha ha As she left I was thinking to myself " why did u just talk her ear off so much?" And I realized it was b/c I hadn't been with any adults lately! It was a strange realization. In my normal like I see my adult friends on a regular enough basis that I don't feel this unbalance. But tonite I was like WOHO. I want to grow up one day, I want to be "that women", that when she walks into a room you a drawn to her. Not because she's loud, or is dressed in a bold way. Rather that she carries her self in such a way that says, "This is me. I'm safe. I am am full of understanding , grace and wisdom." Thats the kind of WOMEN I want to be, but I know I will have to "grow- up" to be her... Its a BIG Adventure that awaits me.... and I'm excited ....

Maybe I was born to hold you in these arms...

"Use the truth as a weapon To beat up all your friends Every chink in the armor An excuse to cause offense And the boys from the hallways Calling out your name And true love will find them in the end

You were restless I was somewhere less secure So I went running to the road And so now there's A long list of places I was I quit my rambling and I came home

Cause maybe I was born to hold you in these arms Maybe I was born to hold you in these arms"

-The Swell Season " In these arms"

I know this song is about a man and women, but when I hear it I think about my YL kids. I think about all the pain and anger they are running from and into. I think about how "maybe I was born to hold" them in my arms of Love- the arms of Jesus. I have had a bad past week, but today I was with my girls at L&L bible lunch and I was talking about our NEED for Jesus. Afterwards I was talking to one of my "7th graders/M2" about hanging out and I was like " ya know I'd like to talk with you, and hear what your thinking since I know your still processing this whole God thing, and who Jesus is." she said " O ya, sure. Ya know I've been praying alot to God lately, and I feel so good when I'm talking to him. Its great."

Somedays I feel like I want to throw my theology out the window as I see hurt and pain and what seems the "absence of God" in the world. Somedays I can't find anyone that I feel do justice to expressing the amazing love of Jesus and so I am silenced. Somedays I just want to cry over the broken hearts of my kids and all the work, pain, and self discovery that is still ahead of them. But EVERYday I am thankful for the Presence of the Holy Spirit that soothes my soul and says " don't worry I got this one." Everyday I am sure that the arms of Jesus are WHERE I want to be, and EVERYDAY I know he is Word is TRUE, ALIVE and HEALING...

( i don't know if it shows up right for you guys but I really do put spaces and paragraphs but when i publish it -it always melts back into some huge clump sorry about that! i don't know how to fix it =P )

AHhh I can't stop!

I don't know what happened to me! that chemical that ur brain releases when your full has stopped working! I think it's the stress... but I will eat dinner and be TOTALLY full and my mouth just keeps wanting more... NEEDLESS to say this is not a good thing! I just spend months losing 15 lbs... and I gained some back in the US ( shocking-not) and I am NOT ABOUT to get fat again b/c I'm stressed! AHHHHHHHHHH so frustrating! I'd like to take this moment and state that while I'm NOT endorsing eating disorders.... i just wish my response in time of stress was to NOT eat instead of OVER eating! ahhhhh But the truth is this isn't my normal stress "go-to" I normally clean like a crazy women or organize! Which I have been doing a little of ummm ... why WHY !!! ???? I have been talking to myself all day about this. It's driving me crazy. Now I know how "Ruby" feels ( shes on some reality show that my friends watch and shes trying to lose weight or else she'll die) Not that I'm going to die, but man I hate how you have to keep exercising all the time otherwise all your hard work goes away! And while I love being active... sometimes I am too tired, or don't feel good ( Curse of Eve) , or just don't have time! ahhh Confession time: In this last year God has taught me some very eye opening lessons about my fears and Lies that held up walls of protection around my heart from the world. One of those had to do with my weight and my fight to not let the "world" influence my self esteem... but in turn I let myself go, in defiance-but only to my own pain. I really hated being "over weight" but always denied it. Secretly I feared that if I lost weight THEN a man would like me and then I would be so mad that it was being "fat" that had kept men away.... The Lord has begun healing that fear and wound, but it has involved me having to care about my "health" and need for exercise. It has involved me not letting the world influence by me trying to be in my "health" weight instead of my "self indulgent" weight...… See why this is so frustrating for me? I thought I needed to add all that so I didn't come across superficial and dumb.... I think I will be popping gum like crazy till june and will be working out as much as I can-within a healthy rate... I gave up desserts for Lent and me just tell ya it has been my WORST Lent every! I think I have either changed what I was doing or gave in at least 1/2 of the days so far....... ahhhhhh and I LOVE Lent! boo for me

privacy

So my blog URL name has changed and for the time being it is Set on PRIVATE... b/c i had a blogger stalker.. TAKE note young ladies it could happen to you next! nothing too traumatic. Just a weird comment and became a member and then when i went to "their" site there was my profile picture with a blue lip kiss on it... ya it was a problem ! So while you all probable already have stalkers but they just haven't commented on ur page yet.. when they do.. i can tell you have to make it private and change ur URL... HAHA o dear!

overwhelmed

there are SO many emotions running around me... tired, hot, sad, excited, frustrated, please go slower, rushed, puffy eyes from crying, cheeks hurting from laughing, joy that over flows, sadness that sucks my energy, hunger- wanting to just stuff my face ( thank you Lord for gum) , clunched jaw, lazy body, mind running too fast.... I feel exasted, overwelemed... I would just like to lay down and not wake up till my Prince comes and wakes me with a kiss... (not that a man would make my life easier or less overwheleming) but if a prince came then he'd have a house and we could ride off in the sunset... and thats where the movie ends... thats when u can stop thinking and rest .........

I'm a horrible YL leader...

I was tired! It was hott! The kids were being CRAZY and so RUDE! I asked them like 5 times to sit down, just listen for a moment! One girl said I was like the teacher of a kindergarden class! I agreed! But nothing changed! So I stopped TRYING to give my talk and told them that I had the secret to Life but was no longer going to give it to them b/c they were being so rude! Did I mention it was really hot and I was already not feeling good! AHHHHHHHHHH I didn't let them play with the rest of the water balloons that I spent 30 min filling up... I don't know if that hurt me more then them... Blasted I know I'm going to hell.... haha

March already! ahh

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B1rXU5HP50teNTEzNmJjMmYtMWFiZS00NWE3LThmM2MtMDAyN2JmYTdkMTMx&hl=en

Clouds bring a smile to my face

I love the way African clouds stretch across the sky and up to heavens. Their beauty always makes me simile. I would take picture of them more… but its always when I'm driving when I'm taken by their glory... and driving and taking pictures at the same time here in TZ... just as dangerous as texting and driving here! You never know when a donkey might pop out.... Yet I still do it sometimes... text and take pics while diving! HAHA what can I say I like to love on the edge!

cool night and tears of joy and sadness

I got off the plane from Dar the other night, the cool night breeze whipped around me as I climbed down the plane stairs. I breathed in AFRICA, and my heart was sad to know that soon that would change. I got my bags and headed to the shuttle. As I sat between two Tanzanian men, whose bodies touched me from the closeness, I remembered what it felt like to be uncomfortable in touch and yet how that was just a memory now. I was comfortable as I sat there and watched the moon light the dark road we traveled back to moshi. Imogen Heap sang in my ears as thoughts washed over my mind. The moment was just perfect, I felt such peace and my heart was singing... Small tears escaped my eyes as I thought about these last 3 years here in Tanzania... such joy, such growth... intense pain and loneliness at times, but the Lord was with me each step and has brought good things about with every inch of growth. It pains my heart to think about leaving this beautiful place that has become home... But once again God is calling me on a new adventure where only goodness can abound. O Africa how I pray that the Lord will bring me back to this place of beauty, where a piece of my heart is buried.

I'm sorry can u repeat the question?

"So when are you leaving? " "Aren't you leaving soon?" "Its going to be so different without you!" I'm sorry did you say something? Can you repeat that? O is it time to say goodbye already? O no thank you I will start in umm May... Please hold all further questions and regretful statements till May. Thank you

Don't stop believing....

The chorus of that classic song " Don't stop believing" keeps playing though my head. Maybe b/c it was in the GLEE episode that I love so much, or that fact that is was in BED TIME STORIES- that I watched with the students the other week... or maybe it the was YL club picture that was sent in the YL monday morning newsletter where the kids were all rocking out lip syncing it... I think the rest of the song is irrelevant to my thinking, isn't about a girl and a boy and something about red lights and smoky bar? umm Whatever the reason, I'm trying to hold on to the words in the chorus. To let them sink and to and believe. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed, I am discouraged with certain people in my life, and unsure how to encourage my Yl leaders to take on everything next year with the JOY and excitement I know they have in them... and to BELIEVE that this is God's ministry and that he will do with it what he wants after I leave... " Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling..."

Trying.....

I'm trying to process all thats going on... but I keep working on my counseling class work which only makes me NEED to process more things, that I didn't think about... and then I'm trying to transition here and figure out what that means... then I'm also trying to be present with kids and LOVE them well and share Jesus' Grace and Heart with them....... and I can't think... I can't even write a "to do list" b/c I feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is go the school and hangout with kids... partly b/c once I'm there I CAN focus on them... its like the only time I can focus on anything in the day it feels like... so frustrating... I'm trying to be healthy, and whole, to say goodbye well, to pass on things strong, and to BE HERE.... I am trying.

Calling and mourning

I was listening to this podcast today with a friend... well I was listening only to the last 15 min with her... I had already heard it and walked in on her finishing it. It was really good the first time I listened to it... but the last 15 min before were just " whatever" not a big deal. But today they almost made me cry. The speaker- Shane Hipps, was finishing up his talk about his taking on as a teaching pastor role at Mars Hill Bible Church... and he was saying how he LOVED where he was before, but that God was clearly calling him out of there... even though he didn't want to leave. And how with ALL the different movements of CALLING that God has done in his life, he has experienced great mourning... but then intense and total commitment once IN. I was like wow this is exactly how God works in me too! With EVERY CALLING God has moved me in : Youth ministry, Younglife, Biola, Africa, Art Therapy.... with EACH it has been something that I have had to wrestle with and mourn the loss of the "other dreams" or "plans"... but THEN I'm IN. Once I'm sure THIS is what God wants for my life there is no hesitation! No regrets, no stopping me! It was so uniting for my soul to know that someone else communicates with God as I do... I feel like people never understand. Its like people think that if God is calling me to something, there should be NOTHING but excitement and joy... and lot of the time I come with mixed emotions, INTENSE emotions and a great sense of mourning loss. I was reading in my counseling class book about how "LOSS" is something that EVERYONE deals with... the loss of dreams, plans, friendships, loved ones, places... it's not just about death... and so in each of those moments as we transition from one to the next we need to mourn the loss, and remember why we cared so much... we need to be healthy in our transitions and losses. So as I sat outside under my banda with my dogs and my wonderful Kili backdrop... I took it in... cried a little and was thankful for these moments that I have been so blessed with.

Seeing double...

It started the other day when I was outside under my avocado tree... I was looking up at it... and all of a sudden I was seeing a redwood tree in my mind. Umm I'm trying to explain this without sounding crazy... it wasn't anything crazy. Its like when you take a picture of two things that are similar yet different and put them side by side... its like my mind is doing that to my surroundings and what it's comparing things against, are memories of things at home in NorCal. Its strange and un-welcomed. Like tonight I was having my Homegroup over and in the middle of bible study I look up at my living room light, and there it is the light in my mothers living room... This is like the 3rd or 4th time its happened in the last week... Its already hard enough trying to be PRESENT in a place where everyday someone new finds out I'm leaving in July, or reminds me " O it will be so sad when ur not here..." or so on... I am living in transition and I haven't even really begun to transition! AHHHHH 5 months of this and then the actually transition to the States takes place! ahhhh It's strange b/c if you asked I'd tell you "I love new things and I welcome change "... but I'm finding out that statement has its limits. I love new things and change AFTER the transition or if their small... or an escape... I'm not afraid of change, it just makes me tired. When I'm at school with the kids is the only place I feel at "PEACE" right now. Where my mind isn't jumbling up things and making me see double. It's the place where I see purpose and HOPE, and Jesus the most right now. Today some of the girls and I were sitting around and Aika brought out her guitar. I have this habit of taking it and singing improv songs to the girls... my skills are amazing! HAHA today Nancy and Aika both played the guitar and sang back up to my crazy on the spot songs... which were AMAZING! we are official a band now, name: SOY LATTE.... I'm "Foam-a", Aika is " Express-a" and Nancy " Milky-Mix".... we laughed so hard, and had so much fun... I walked home at 6pm with a huge smile on my face and laughter kept escaping my mouth... I want to stay present in these moments , b/c there what matters most!

broken hearted

According to Anti-slavery International, "child labor" is children working full-time, at an early age, often in a dangerous workplace. This doesn't include teenagers working for limited hours on a farm or in a shop after school, but children of all ages who work excessive hours for no or low pay. They are often unable to leave their environment and are particularly vulnerable to abuse and violence. They are out of school so lack the education, opportunities and resources necessary to escape the poverty that pushed them into the workplace. In war-torn countries, children are often forced to serve in armed conflicts. Whole families are sometimes trapped in debt bondage or enslaved in the brick-making industry in Pakistan and the charcoal industry in Brazil, investigated in Kevin Bales' book Disposable People. Read more at Suite101: World Day Against Child Labor: Drawing Attention to Millions of Exploited Working Children http://childrens-rights.suite101.com/article.cfm/world_day_against_child_labor#ixzz0eavG3eYi

Am I asking too much of myself to give up non-fair trade coco ? Is it ridiculous? I have been hearing over the last 2 years about this coco bean child laborers... and I have been sad... but today I was reading and it hit me THESE are the kinds of children I want to FIGHT for with my life! That I want to HEAL! That I feel God CALLING me too!!! HOW can I not listen? How can I not care? How can I be so selfish as to continue with eating treats that children's "youth" and blood is in... How can I pretend any longer that my choices don't affect others lives!

I was thinking about clothes and when I move home.... I might just have to make my own! HA But I imagined myself years down the road working with children that have been rescued from slavery. And sitting with a child who was a textile slave and having him look and me and say " I think i made that".... Can u hear my heart BREAKING! I need to make the BEST decisions I possibly can... I know not all of them will be right... but I NEED to try harder!

satisfied

Today was one of those days when I was reminded how "its all been worth it"... it was my birthday. As I reflected over my 28 years of life , during my 2 hour power black out (O Africa) tonight, I came to the conclusion that I was very satisfied with my life, and that if I died tomorrow I would be a happy women. I have had this moment of "satisfaction" come up at two other points in my life. The first was when I went to Cambodia with YL and knew that God was up to something and that he was using my life to really show my YL girls what LIVING for him meant.... The next time it happened was at the YL End of the year leader's picnic , where it was my last year volunteering with YL in the OC. There my area director, the AMAZING Kristy Fox, said that over my 6 years of YL in the OC I had " impacted hundreds of kids lives"...

The reason these two moments had such a HUGE impact on me, was well because I know I'm messed up. I know that I have issues, that I am a broken soul, that I am (always it seems) in need of Jesus' healing hand. And in those two moments I realized that Jesus was using me in big ways, even as a broken person.

Now if I was giving someone a pep talk, or a talk for YL, I would of course make clear that EVERYONE is broken and messed up! And God wants to use everyone... I believe that. I know it to be true in my own life.... BUT I still find it amazing! I am still in awe when I get to see things from the "outside" and see JUST how much, and how many people Jesus has used me to touch with his LOVE and JOY.

Today on my 28th bday, as I celebrate it in Africa, in my 3rd year of living here, and in my last 5 months of living here... I see that ALL of it has been worth it. All of these last 2 and 1/2 years of tears, pain, rejection, forced growth and painful realizations.... All of it God has used to bring my ministry- HIS ministry to this point. That the depth of TRUST and LOVE I have with kids and people in the community is ALL because of what He's been doing in me and through me... It is amazing.

Please don't get me wrong I'm not bragging... I'm just in awe once again how Jesus can use a messed up ,selfish person like me to be his hands and feet to hurting, empty people...

Thank you Jesus for inviting me to be apart of your plans, your moments of healing, love and grace in the communities and lives around me... Thank you for allowing me to represent you in my 28 years here on this earth ( more importantly the last 12 in ministry) You are truly a God that can do the IMPOSSIBLE!

So tonight before I go to bed I just wanted to say I am deeply satisfied with life, and ALL that Jesus is doing with it.

itching....

Maybe it's the fact that I'm getting old... ( bday in 2 days) Or maybe its the idea that I would get a tattoo when my 3 year internship in Africa was over and that its getting closer to the end of that . Whatever the reason I am itching to get a tattoo! a few actually! O dear! I can't decide exactly what it will look like... but it will include the above ( it not be one of the above) and then I think I'm going to get Valour on my wrist.... I have been writing it on myself ... I just know I'm glad there are no tattoo places here ( that are safe in my thinking) so I have a few more months to ponder and decided. The truth is I need a good artist to take my concept of the world, tree, words of growth and incorporate them into something AWESOME so it doesn't look like a 4th grader drew it ( like the above do- but i drew them just to be clear) haha ummm anyone want to be my Artist???